NOT JUNK!

Dear World,

It's been a while since I've done this. A lot has happened in the past month. Thank God I have this blog. Oh man, I have missed it. :)

There is a lot going on in my life right now. I'm a straight A teenage girl with family, friend, and life issues... but then again, what teenage girl doesn't have those "general" problems. But amongst all those problems, I have 3 to 4 different opinions about myself being made as well as people trying to help me fix what they feel are my problems. I love their help. I love help. But it's miss judged and I'm not getting the right help, but I also have all these false images that I have to change, and fix, and work on getting passed people. There's a lot about my personal self that I need to work on, but it's very stressful to have a couple of teenagers trying to point out my problems and "help me." A lot of times I just want to say, I'm sure you have enough problems of your own to deal with, why don't you work on some of those. But the thing is, I listen to people's judgement's of me. And sometimes I completely listen to them and believe that I actually do have those problems, but then I hear from someone else that they were wrong. And I'm just spinning in circles and am extremely confused.

The only person's judgement that I truly trust is my mom's.

But I have been feeling lately that everything is being focused around fixing my "problems". And I've started convincing myself that I was this absolutely awful person and there was nothing attractive or likable about me... aaaannnndddd, that tends to happen when all your focused on 24/7 is fixing/fine-tuning everything that's wrong with you.

But it's not. Don't believe it. Don't give in to that. Forget it. It's a lie. Stop thinking that. Those are evil thoughts. And you know where they're from? The Devil himself. Do-Not-Play-Into-It!!!!!!! You are a wonderfully, perfect creation of God's. Everything He made was, perfect. God doesn't make junk. You are here for a purpose. We all have our little things that we struggle with. But those do NOT define us.

God loved you so much that out of the millions of people on earth, he intricately crafted and designed you to be exactly the way you are. You're not junk.

Thanking Him because of how He made me,
Maddie Rose

Snow

Dear World,

I experienced God in a different way yesterday. A beautiful, breath taking, wonderful way. That way can be explained in one word: Snow.

Now some people think snow came from the devil himself, but I don't. I'd never been in real snow before yesterday. It fell in my hair, on my shoulders, in my hands, on my tongue, in my eyelashes... and it fell extremely gently. It floated down from heaven, onto the pure face of my two year old cousin. It caught in her bleach blond eyelashes, and her wispy hair. And the whole time, it was completely and totally, silent. There was no noise but the occasionally joyful laugh of my cousin.

And now today, every surface of this colonial themed house's backyard is covered with 3" of pure white snow. Sitting... peacefully. Covering every surface it could possibly reach, but not hurting a thing. Just, sitting. Waiting.

It's absolutely wonderful. I can't believe this beauty. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced.

Thank you Father for this!

Now please let me go back to my California sun. Where I can tan in december and where shorts and a tank top all year long.

In Him,
Maddie

Washington vs. California

Dear World,

Washington has become my absolute favorite place to be. But through being here, I've learned the significance of the phrase too much of a good thing, can be a bad thing.

I've only been here twice since my fantastic summer. My first time was about 3 weeks ago for the SAMBICA thing called Refuge. This time, I've been here for about 11 days, housesitting for our cousins who were in Hawaii. On this trip, I tried to keep it pretty family centered. If I had really tried to see a lot of people, then I probably would have been gone every day. But while being here I only spent, Tuesday night with my friend Jessica, Saturday with Kasey and Pluto,  a party at my aunt and uncle's house on Sunday with some ELITE friends, and then the Bible Study Mondey night at SAMBICA camp with Liz aka Happy Feet. I love being here soo much, but also, I love my other home, back in Cali as well. I can't help but deeply miss my friends there...

Two of my closest friends from home, Codi and Courtney, have been the ones on my mind the most. I miss them a lot. I see Codi about 2 times a week and Courtney only once, but I can't ask for more, because I'm home-schooled. One of my most desperately prayed prayers from the summer were answered over the past couple weeks. I started finding friends who were not un-like the ones from camp. Extremely set upon their faith. Working everyday to do things for God. and Mind you, these are teenagers. Codi, Courtney, and my new close friend, Tyler. It's a small group. Incomparable to the two dozen people from the summer. But our friendships are in little, to no danger of being broken apart. That's why I love these specific people so much. Hopefully, my group of special, close friends, will grow. Not to a drastic size. But a trusting group of friends. Ones at my California home that I can truly trust with anything.

I think the reason I don't just have 1 best friend (not that I have maannnyyy best friends) if because I opporate in groups. Maybe not collectively, together, groups. But groups none the less. I put my trust in specific people's hands. Not just one. If one person flakes out, or disappoints me, I have others behind me. I've seen it many times with other close friends. Their "best friend" treats them like crap, and they don't have anyone to fall back on. (that's how I've gotten close to a couple of my friends) Other friends have done it to me. And the only reason I don't shut down is because I have other close friends who hold me up.

I'm so greatful that the Lord is answering my prayer for "SAMBICA like" friends at home. It's making me start to really miss my home when I leave.

but...

Don't take that to mean that I've gotten over Washington. Dear me, no. That's not what it means at all. I still love Washington greeaatly. And my wish for trips back up here has not faltered. :)

In Him,
Maddie

My Name

Dear World,

Most people don't know it, but my name is Madison Rose Chaney. I have always introduced myself as Maddie Rose. Rarely people learn of my full name, and when they do, I'm hounded with questions as to why I don't introduce myself with that name. After all, it is very pretty. I know it is. Madison Rose is a very pretty name. My friend's mom has always called me that, and she is the only person that i allow to call me that. It was my great grandmother's name. But I always feel as though it's extremely common. I know sooo many Madisons, and have met EVEN MORE. I don't sign, write, or put my name down on applications as my full name because I don't want people calling my by it.

I don't hate my name. But it's my choice to go by Maddie Rose. Deal with it.

In Him,
Maddie

Best Friends

Dear World,

I have a numerous amount of friends. More than i care to count. Go to my facebook and look at my friends list, then double that. I have a lot of friends. I would estimate that if i divided the number of facebook friends that i have by 3, then that would give you approximately the number if friends i hang out with. Divide that number by two and that would give you the number of people i actually genuinely care about and try to keep up with. divide that by about 5 and that will give you about the number of people who genuinely care about me.

So, facebook friends rounded=300
Friends i hang out with=100
People i care about=50
People who care about me=10

Out of these hundreds of people, I do find myself more closer to some rather than others, but I, however, do not have a "best friend." I do believe that i will, someday, have a best friend, but i don't right now. My friend Courtney Harrison is about as close as a best friend, but not really. There are a few people from SAMBICA that I would love to call my best friend, but it makes it hard when we live on opposite sides of the country. I love, love, love my friends. But, I just don't feel like i have a best friend.

Today I found a friend,
Who knew everything I felt.
She knew my every weakness,
And the problems I've been dealt.  

She understood my wonders,

And listened to my dreams. 

She listened to how I felt about life and love,

And knew what it all means.

Not once did she interrupt me,
Or tell me I was wrong.
She understood what I was going through,
And promised she'd stay long

I reached out to this friend
To show her that i care
To pull her close and let her know
How much I need her there

I don't have a friend like this. I'm not sad about it. I look forward to the day that there is that one person who i know is going to always and forever be there for me, and be at my house in about ten seconds if i need her. But I don't have that person right now, and to be honest, i wish i did. Because I could really use them. But I'm ok about it. I know the Lord is holding out on me for someone awesome. He brings people in and out of my life, but I know there's that one person that He's waiting for me to meet that I'll be closer to than fingers and a keyboard. ;)

In Him,

Maddie

Too Much

Dear World,

I’ve been having one of the worst days of my life. I slept in, and I’ve been absolutely exhausted all day because crying really makes you tired. There’s a sinking, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that has to do with worry, sadness, and complete incapability to operate properly. I keep bursting into tears at random times. It's overwhelming. Tonight I have to go and deal with a ton of uncooperative band members, and try and make them realize that WE ARE WORKING OUR FLIPPIN BUTTS OFF AND THEIR NOT DOING A DAMN THING! If I could just collapse on my bed and become a shell to existence, I would have no objections what so ever. Can someone please just hug me and not ask questions as to why I can barely breath from constant sobbing? One good thing from today, my soul sister is at book study tonight, and she doesn’t need to understand. I can just cry and she wouldn’t say anything till I told her I was ready to find an answer.

I hate being a teenager...

Maddie

Finally Home

Dear World,

This weekend I've taken a trip to Washington to visit some elites and go to REFUGE on Sunday. (an elite worship and hang time in the evening)

So here's what's happening this weekend. I got picked up from the airport by Brooke McPherson, aka, awesomest driver IN THE WORLD! Never fails to get us from point A to point B as easily as if she had the way mapped out in her head before hand. I'm chilling with my family, then going to lunch with the one, the only, PLUTO! Out of everything that's going on this weekend, I'm mostly excited to see her! Sunday morning I'm going to church with Jessica, then spending the whole rest of the day with Natalie Anderson, which will consist of a fashion show, deep conversations about life and what it means to live, and, of course, slug hunting in the backyard. Then, Natalie and I are going to REFUGE that evening where I'm going to see MOST of the ELITE's from the summer... All the ones that matter. ;D

I'm so excited for everything. I'm also really glad that I'm not feeling like I can only be close to God when I'm up here. It's not the case. At ALL! But I must say, I feel very much at home and comfy here. I can't express my love for this state and environment. I love it so much. I can't wait to be back up here again next month for thanksgiving. Me and the family are here for a whole week then!! :D

In Him,
Maddie

Completely Melting Under Stress

Dear World,

I am so stressed out right now. I don't know what to do, there's so much going on, my head is spinning and i want to drop everyone and everything and lie in my room, on my back staring at the ceiling. There are a lot of things going on that i have to deal with and a lot of people who are there for me. It's not stressing me out that they're there for me. Not at all, I'm so happy that they are adament about helping. But it's many people. A good 12. I love them all so much and i don't want to hold out on them, so i have to constantly be re-living things to people. It's good for me to hear things from different people's point of view, but sometimes, one person is enough.

School is completely flipping me out. I'm doing very poorly and it is really depressing me. I've always been a good A student, and failing assignment after assignment is REALLY stressing me out. I don't understand half of what i'm doing and am having a mental, over-load, brake down every other week. I'm pushing through, and getting most of what i have to do, done, but only by scraping C's and D's. It's extremely frustrating and all the emotional stress is NOT helping with things out-side of school.

I feel like God is completely apart of another life. My night time life when I'm reading my Bible. Not when I'm about to rip my hair out because of school, a dis-functional band, and family problems. I don't feel like I'm faking the whole religion. Not at all. I had never actually read the Bible before this summer, and now I read it every other day. But I'm having trouble asking God to take control of my day and guide it in His way. I feel so much closer to God than I ever have before in my life.... but it's not enough. I want to be closer. I want to feel Him next to me every minute of every day. Not just those nights when I pull out my Bible. Though, granted, it might be more when I'm focused completely on Him. But I want more than what I have right now.

I'm so stressed right now, it's not even expressable. Blogging is a good outlet for me. To be able to get it all out. Anyway, goodnight!

In Him,
Maddie

My name is Maddie

Dear World,

Hi, my name is Maddie.  I love Jesus and the stripes on racoons. I think glassy rocks or cool and I'm scared of fish and Disneyland rides. I like to go to the grocerie store and spin around and around in the fruit section and watch the colors go wizzing bye. I think lensless glasses are amazing and if you want to be my favorite person in the whole wide world, send me a letter. 

I'm usually very seriuos, but when in the company of friends and my sambica awesome people, I'm very silly and weird. I like making people laugh, even though I'm not that funny. I'm terrible at keeping a straight face in a staring contest, but I'll kill you in a laughing contest.

I'll die for my family, under any circumstances. I don't get along well with my sisters, even though i love them very much. At the end of the day, we each have each other. I love my older sister, Kayla, to the end of the world. She's the greatest roll model in the world. My little sister Sydni is pretty cool too. I enjoy watching her grow up, and I'm excited to see what she'll end up being in life. My Mommy is incredible and can do anything. God adds hours to the day for her. She's amazing. I love her!

My friends are everything to me. I want to fill as much of my time and life with being with them. If one of my friends are hurting, I drop everything for them. If there is a person in particular who purposefully hurt them, then I will do everything i can to make their life hell. I love to give advice and be a witness for Jesus and help my friends in their own Christian lives, but I can't deal well with my own personal conflicts and problems. But that's where my friends come in. They are the best. They help me so much by showing me what's going on in their lives and what they did about it.


My mentors mean most to me. (apart from family) After all, they're the ones who have helped and are helping me most in everything i'm dealing with. Of course, I turn to them first. None of them actually know each other. Over the course of the past 3 years, I've acquired about 5 mentors. 7 years if you're counting one in particularly who's been with me since I was 8. All of them help in things only the one ever could. I love them the most.


I'm obsessed with bubblegum and have at least 3 packs in my room at a time. You can never find me without it. My life revolves around music. I've been playing the piano for 9 years and the guitar for 2 days. I'm playing guitar and singing on the youth worship team. I write, play, sing, and arrange music. It's my favorite thing.


I can't say enough that I love Jesus! I'm not concerned with all the little nick-nacky things of the religion, I only live my life for Jesus and love unconditionally and act as a witness for Him. I'd rather be talking about God and our Christian lives with a friend, or anyone, than anything else. Nothing makes me more happy than to think that there is one person who will always love me no matter what I do... Jesus!


I'm truly terrified of one thing and it's the un-knowing of what is coming and what is going to happen. The panicked state your in when you're fearful for yourself, family, friends.. the unknown. I'm terrified of that feeling. Second to that is the thought of living forever when I go to Heaven. I'm truly terrified of living forever and ever, but I love God, and I trust Him, so, doesn't that mean that He'll take care of me and I have nothing to fear? Doesn't matter, I'm still terrified.


That's me. Who're you?


In Him,
Maddie

Friends

Dear World,

My wonderful, wonderful, friend Delaney Aydel gave me an idea on what i should write on my next blog post. She only just gave me this idea about 5 minutes ago and i would like to write my post before i forget what I've thought about. (Forgive me if this seems kinda scattered. I'm on the phone with Delaney at the moment, listening to her rant about her frustration on downloading programs. Quite funny, but slightly distracting.)

Friends. Well, there are different classifications about friends. There are, of course, friends. Then there are best friends, ok friends, good friends, really good friends, the i'll trust this friend with my life friend, the i love you friend but is only just a friend and is basically like a brother/sister friend, and, of course, the i love you friend but i'm too shy to tell you that i really love you so I'll just pretend that i don't friend.

I'm not going to talk about different types of friends. I was just pointing something out. lol. You know how you are supposed to have God in your relationship with your husband? It's just as equally imoportant for you to have god in your friends. But you can't pick and choose your friends based on if they're Christian or not to find god in the friendship. Well, you can pick or choose your friends based on if they're Christian, but only a few show God through it. Let me give you a couple examples.

Take Delaney for instance. Out of the 5 weeks I was at SAMBICA I only saw her for 2 and yet i got the closest to her. Why? Because throughout the 2 weeks we were together we constantly were showing Jesus to each other through ourselves. We were the teen models of what it's like to follow Jesus and we were always there for each other and God was constantly revealing God to each other through ourselves. Last day, she was the first one by my side when I completely broke down in pain and misery. She didn't have to understand, she didn't know the half of it, but she knew that what was wrong was serious and she didn't ask questions. Just, held me and let me cry on her shoulder. Since then, I've talked to her most out of the people at SAMBICA and we keep learning more and more about each other and God keeps showing himself to us through each other.

Another example. Sarai Dominguez. Delaney jokes with me often that I menchen her in almost every post. Maybe some of you (maybe family and church people) know her as Pluto in my blog. She was a mentor from camp. There's something different between a mentor and a councilor. A councilor... well, you really only see them for a week. Well, not even. More like 6 days. But when you're with them you're always going from activity to activity and everything is crazy crazy crazy, fun all the time. But a mentor, you're with them for 3 weeks. Sometimes, 24/7, based on the program. You're basically with them all the time. Either working or hanging out. 3 weeks is a long time. You tend to see the worst, best, and most broken state you could be in in the other ELITEs. Pluto saw, THE WORST of me, the beeest of me, and the most broken state I've ever been in. I talked to Pluto almost every day. After I was crying on Delaney's shoulder on the last day, I was crying on Pluto's. For some reason me and Pluto got really close. I remember random things from the many talks we had. Like that she knew my kids were gonna grow up to be preachers, and that she predicts I'm going to be an ELITE mentor, and that she's gonna stalk and call me everyday to remind me to read my bible. She's not a stalker, that's for sure. The one thing that makes me love Pluto so much is I've never been able to fool her with walls or disguises or anything else I use to try and block people out from knowing the real me. She saw through that immediately. Which is what I love about her. It's what made her advice to me always so helpful. And what made God work in our relationship. Her strange gift of X-Ray vision is what has made us so close.

When God shows through in how he works in a relationship with a friend, you know it's special. You may both be Christian, but that doesn't mean you work well together as friends. Your friends shape who you are and you need to hold those select few as close as possible. Because they will have the biggest impact on your life. And if you don't have those select few yet, you will. If you open up to it and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Also....notice how my description of Pluto and I's relationship was 3x as long as Delaney's and I's? haha. I don't love Pluto more, just had more to say about her. I love the crap outta Delaney though. haha

In Him,
Maddie

The Christian Life

Dear World,

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Sorry! I really like blogging, but I've been very busy with school. I started about 3 weeks ago, which, i guess is when I last posted on here.

You know what I feel is funny in the light of Christianity? Religion. You know, Christianity isn't a religion. It's a way of life. Once you choose to take this path, it changes your life forever. You are held accountable and nothing is ever the same.You can't just get away with your usual crap. You don't just feel guilty. You feel sorry. You want to change. Life isn't the same when you're a Christian. God will catch up to you eventually. It can't just be in the category of religion. It has to be something bigger. It's like, Life or The Christian Life. It's one of the two.

Glad I chose the right path.

In Him,
Maddie

Jessica

Dear World,

Today, I thought I should write about a person individually, rather than a broad topic. I was scrolling through the people who have meant something to me in my life. There are many. Mostly SAMBICA mentors. But I've talked about them many times. Then I thought of Julia and Sally.. Eh, they are amazing, but they still aren't the right ones. Who is it I'm trying to think of. Then I remembered. La dur. Jessica Nguyen. Who has meant more and changed more of my life than her? Uum... no one.

I met Jessica at SAMBICA 2 years ago. I think I was 12. I was just a camper. I didn't come back the next summer, but I kept in contact with Jessica. She lives in Washington so I rarely see her except for Thanksgiving when I go back up there to see my family. There's been a lot of ups and downs in our relationship but we are very close. I've wronged her many times, but she never ceases to forgive me. She came to visit me in January for MLK weekend. It was just sorta a chill weekend, but it was awesome to get to see her in a different environment. I've really only ever seen her in her car... Driving me around. I was speaking with her on the phone the other day (one of the rare times) and was thinking about how different we are. She is insanely analytical, and I'm insanely not. I'm an artsy person. Though I do over think things, I tend to just let them go if they get too complicated for me. Often times when I talked to Jessica I would get so confused because she just goes off on sooo many different thoughts. But she's so loving and caring that I don't think I could get rid of her if I tried. And oddly enough, I've tried... and failed... several times. But she also reminded me, on the phone, that we are also very much alike. I kinda fail in seeing those ways in an obvious point of view. Though I do know we are extremely alike.
Jessica... Well, she's an extremely beautiful woman. And I'm not just talking about her physical appearance, even though she's drop dead gorgeous. She has such a beautiful heart. She trusts God with her life, and gives everything up to Him. I'm amazed by her, because she is so incredible. Even though she isn't perfect, which she tells me often.

I love Jessica like a sister. There's nothing I wouldn't tell her. I'd trust her with anything. I hope she trusts me. Even if not, I love her very much. And she means a lot to me.

I love you Jessica! Thank you for eeeverything!

In Him,
Maddie

To wrap up the summer...

Dear World,

Today was my first day of school. But I'm going to write this post as if it were yesterday. ok? ok.

Today is the last day of summer. I'm closing a lot today. A lot happened this summer. Yesterday, Saturday, I wanted to do something special to close off my summer. But I really wasn't sure. So I decided to just play it by ear. I went to church this morning and it was pretty good. But the thing that made it one of the best days of my life was when this older gentlemen, His name is Gary, came up to me and told me that he had a message from God! A message from God? What? That doesn't happen to people like me! That happens to people like l4d from camp! And Pluto. The women who's lives are completely and 100% devoted to God! Who have been through so much, and have come out on top with Jesus on their side! The women who mentored and are mentoring me through one of the toughest times of my life! This happens to women like them! Who are mature in their faith, and understand it better than me! Well, this time, I guess not. It's me. Maddie Rose Chaney. 15 years old, and taking my faith seriously for a total of 7 weeks. So, Gary leaned close to me and said into my ear so only I could hear and talked to me as if He were God himself delivering the message, "I know your feelings seem overlooked with everything that's going on, but they are not to me. I love more than you could ever know." WOAH!

I don't think I can elaborate much more about how extraordinary this was. But let me move on. After I left the main sanctuary, I went over to the youth room to hang with my buds. But something was pulling at my heart strings. What was it? I thought deeper, then knew. The wife of the pastor at our church! Her name is Mary, and she is one of the most extraordinary people I've ever met. But she wasn't singing today. She was sad. There was a lot going on in her life right now. But why? Why are you putting her on my heart God? Surely there isn't anything that I could do. Is there? Yes! Be myself! Give her a hug. Maybe, try to make her smile. Let her know that she is loved. It isn't much. It won't change how God is working in her life, or how much it might hurt her, but I've always felt that it was the little things like that that help people the most. I know they are for me. When someone walks by me and grabs my shoulder turns there head around for a moment and smiles at me always makes me the most happy. Small gestures like that. So i did, I sought her out, and found her in about 20 seconds. (she was standing in the hallway)I talked to her for a minute, I kinda failed in letting her know that she was loved, but I did act like myself and everything.

All in all, this is the absolute best way I could have ever asked to end my summer. I'm going to miss it, but I'm going to go into the year that's ahead with what happened this summer as a reference. I'll never forget it and how the Lord has worked in my life and brought incredible people like l4d and Pluto into my life. But I'm also not going to look back, miserable because I can't live in what happened this summer for the rest of my life. I don't necessarily have to be excited about what's coming, but God has used SAMBICA and l4d and Pluto and the mentors and the amazing ELITEs like Lizzy Rolf and Delaney Adel and Spencer Turner to prepare me for what's coming. I can make it through anything.

God is with me. He's right there. He wants me, and I want Him! I have several people that I've met this summer that I know are more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything. If I need to scream and yell and vent, they'll listen, and if I need to cry and ball and brake down, they'll comfort, and if I'm lost and don't know what to do, they'll point me to Jesus and remind me that He is the only way and show me how much I've made it through already. I love them all. Words can't describe how much you all have helped me and how much you all mean to me. You truly have no idea how much God has used you all in my life. You are forever apart of it.

Thank you God for everything you've given me, and the chance you gave me to go to SAMBICA this summer. Thank you for the people you've brought into my life, like the ones I've said here, thank you for revealing yourself to me this summer and really telling me how much you love me and how you will be there to take care of me. I will be OBSESSED with you Lord. You have shown me what it's like to lean on you, and now I will fall on you. I love you God!! Thank you so much for this summer!

In Him,
Maddie

Fear

Dear World,

I often struggle in figuring out what I'm scared of. Like, legitimately scared of happening. Not someone jumping out of a dark corner screaming. I know I'm scared of, like, someone in my family dying, but seriously, who isn't scared of that. I try, and try, to find a weakness. One small flaw in my seemingly strong wall that blocks out all fear. And, I think I've found it.

I think I'm scared of being scared. You know, that feeling where you're heart starts pounding really fast, your face gets hot, you're worried about what will happen because you have no idea. I hate that feeling. It is, what I'm scared of. Well, maybe not scared of. More like, I'm waiting, apprehensively, for it to come. Because I know there are moments in our lives where that happens. I know, I've had them. And, I don't know under what circumstances that that feeling will come. Which makes me even more scared...

oh, and I'm scared of red ants.

In Him,
Maddie

Different People

Dear World,

Today, I want to talk about... different people. What's the difference between different and normal? Is there even normal anymore? When comparing one person to the other, yes were different in personality, looks, maturity, style, likes, dislikes... things like that. When you get into an argument with someone, sometimes, no one could necessarily even be at fault, because the situation was been viewed by two, completely different points of view. It's impossible to say, I understand you, because we DON'T! We are all SO different that even if we tried, there is no way on earth we could understand each other. Even when people are struggling with things. You can't even understand their struggles, because there could be so many different things relating to it that you wouldn't know exactly what is effecting them or how much of an impact it's having on their life. How much it's hurting them, changing them (and maybe not always for the better). There's no way of knowing.

Why do we judge people who are different in their weirdness? My friend, Jackie Leonard, is the WEIRDEST person you have ever met in your LIFE! and she's an adult! which makes here even "weirder". If you don't love her weirdness than you wouldn't have been able to find out that she is one of the most compassionate, loving people you've ever met. And she is hugely accepting. And you know what the awesome thing is? She does not CARE if people like her or not! Why do we have to be so judge mental of the way that people are. I mean, if someone had thought that Jackie was crazy, and off the bat, didn't want to get to know her just by a first impression, they could have never found out how much of an amazing person she is!

We're all a little weird, some more than others. We should feel comfortable with it, AND be comfortable with other people's weirdness. It's who they ARE, and they ARE that way for a reason. I love looking at one of my friends and then comparing them to another and looking at just how DIFFERENT they are! It's crazy! But I still love them both because they are both individual!! If they were the same, then where would the fun in that be? If everyone was the same, life would be boring. And I know that people say that a lot. "if the world was filled with a bunch of copy cats, then it would be soooo boring." But seriously. Pick one person you know, and imagine EVERYONE IN THE WORLD INCLUDING YOURSELF being EXACTLY like that one friend!

Thank GOD were different! Oh my goodness, how grateful I am that we are all not alike! Ah, I think I would go crazy if I had a million of just ONE of my friends!

...goodness.

In Him,
Maddie

Good People

Dear World,
I am so thankful for people in my life who keep in reminding me of God's love for me. It's a very important thing to have as a part in your life. Good, Christian friends who are willing to smack you when you're not making the right decisions. I'm glad for those people.
In my life, those people are-
Linda Romero
Sarai Dominguez
Dawn Bailey
Jessica Nguyen
Delaney Adel
Chelsea Lidstrom
Krista Guenther
Lizzy Rolf
Spencer Turner
Courtney Harrison
Melissa Ramont

We all need good Christian friends. They'll keep you in line ;P I love mine. Each and every one of them. All are loved a lot, but all in a different way for the different things they have each done for me. I Love you Guys!

In Him,
Maddie

Lost

Dear World,

I am Lost. I'm spinning in circles, confused by these many different situations, feelings, emotions, circumstances, and trials. I feel as though I'm in a dark room, with words and flashes of past events jumping at me out of the darkness. I'm lost in my thinking and feeling. What I think is not relevant. There is too much. Too much around. Too much to do. To deal with. I'm spinning and spinning... what is all this. I can't even tell anymore. Was that love or judge? Wait or hate? I don't even know anymore. What do I do? Am I supposed to ask that? Where do I go? I'm so confused. There's no one here! HELP!

What is that? I don't know. I'm to confused to tell. Who is that? It's so dark here, but that person is bright. Their shinning. The room is spinning. I can't focus on them. What are they doing? Their picking me up off the ground? What? Their hugging me? Their so warm. I don't remember... why... I was, scared. Was I scared? no. confused? I think. I don't know. I don't want to remember. I just want to stay here. With this person. I feel safe. What did they say? I'm... not sure. Wait, they said it again. "I'll always be here. I always was. But you called out to me, and now you are aware of my presence." I... don't know. How do I respond? Do I respond? Do I just stand here, and let this man keep hugging me? I don't want to let go. "You don't have to let go. I'll always be here." You'll never leave me? Why weren't you here before? "I was here! I always was here! You just didn't know it. And now you do. Which is what makes all the difference..."

"I love you!"

In Him,
Maddie

He gives and Takes away??

Dear World,

He gives and takes away... he gives, and TAKES away.

None of this is my words. Sometimes, I just need to listen. And this is what I heard when I was IMing a friend that I met at SAMBICA. Her name is Delaney Aydel. We were talking about my last blog post, and the song, Blessed be Your Name.

"I was actually just thinking about that same topic last night when I was reading my bible

The song comes in part from the book of Job. I was reading the verses that are in it.

I was thinking, and it just kind of hit me that yeah, God takes away, but it's His to take away. He blessed us with so much. I think the thing to remember is that things can ALWAYS be worse, so we need to just remember all the things we have, no matter how small, because every one of them is a blessing, so we should praise God no matter what. We can survive on so little that every tiny luxury we have is such a gift."

There's not much left for me to say about that. Delaney basically said it. =) The world needs more people like Delaney. She yearns to be with God, and lives out what she says she is going to do. I'm so happy I met her because it shows me that I truly need more people like her in my life.

I'm struggling, still, but it totally caught me off guard that this had been going through her head too. When I talk to Delaney, I want to be close to God too, because she already is multiple steps further than me. It was encouraging. Now, I will continue to be encouraged when I heard Blessed be Your Name and think of Pluto, and that line, and what it means... but, like I said, and you all have read, it will be hard. But now, I'm trying even harder.

Thanks Delaney Honey! Keep walking in your faith. It's been a blessing to know and talk to you!

In Him!
Maddie

He Gives and Takes Away

Dear World,

Today was my first time back to church since I left 7 weeks ago for SAMBICA. I have not wanted to be home. I've wanted so much to be back at camp with l4d, and pluto, and dodge, and tiger... Camp was a world away. It was a safe place, and there, nothing could hurt me. God was real, God was there, God loved me and held me on a pedestal as his wonderful creation. Here at home, nothing is the same. I miss camp so much, I feel like it has been taken away from me. Like it was one of those perfect, wonderful things and the only thing you hate is that you can no longer be there. And there is literally, no going back. It's 2 states away.

I miss the mentors insanely. I hate writing this because it makes me miss the one I'll be talking about soo much more. When I was at camp, I had a conversation with Pluto about things that were going on at home. I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but somewhere along the way she brought up the song Blessed be Your Name and the part where it goes He gives and takes away. She brought it up because sometimes it's hard to sing that He gives, and He takes away, because singing it, means you believe it, and to believe it means you have faith that God will fill the hole left by what was taken away.

Today, at church, the very first song we sang in worship was that one. As soon as I heard the chords for it, even before the words, I thought of her, and what she said. "He gives and takes away". Then i thought, how does that apply to my life right now? Well, it's obvious. He's taken away SAMBICA. He's taken away the security that it provides. Right when worship was over, during church, even before the pastor started speaking, I texted Pluto, in kind of a silly way saying, 'guess what the very first song was we sang in church today?' A moment later, her reply was 'BLESSED BE YOUR NAME??? aaah! God is so good!!'

...

I wasn't sure how to reply. I just sent a smiley, but 'God is so good?' I wasn't sure if I believed that. I've only been able to fill in the "He takes away" part. Not the "He gives" part.
He takes away--
the unity of my family
the safety of my camp
the immediate support of my friends
the feeling of being able to talk to a mentor whenever I need it

These 4 things are huge. How do I fill the gaping whole they've left in my life?

I DON'T KNOW!!

Is it worth it?

Dear World,

So, life is hard. Shit happens. We do stuff we're not proud of and we wish that things didn't happen to us. So... how do we deal with it? I'm still trying to answer this question for myself. Does God provide? He has definitely shown himself to me in brief past moments, but is that a real relationship? Brief moments from a loving and caring father, followed by extended silence and waiting. That's almost torture. But is it worth it? It would take work to be able to hear more from God. Long, hard, patient, work. Lots of reading, and praying, and waiting for an answer. I want desperately to hear back from Him, but I'm too scared that it won't happen. I don't want to be let down again... but, in the long run, at the end, what's waiting for me... is it worth it?

...

Love Always,
Maddie

Camp is over, but is the blog?

Dear World,

Yes, camp is over. But I have not yet decided if I will end the blog. To have the blog as something to keep with and always have a thought in the back of my head that I have to write another post, is so good for me. It keeps me plugged into the day and aware of what is going on. Another thing though is, the blog was originally for writing about what is going on while I was at SAMBICA, and now that camp is over, it would only be obvious that the blog would be also. Would people still want to read it after camp? That's my only question. I guess it would keep things interesting, you know, carrying what I learned at SAMBICA back home with me, and other people can read about how it has changed and effected my life. Still debating in my head.

Friday was my last day at camp. It has been absolutely fantastic. God used SAMBICA as a tool to finally speak to me in ways He never has before. I'm definitely going home changed. The thing I'm going to miss about the camp the most is how the other ELITE can speak volumes into, not only my life, but other people's as well. It's not only the mentors. And most of the time, it's not even small ways. It's legitimate, heart to heart, encouragement that everything is going to be ok. We are truly being trained for something amazing. It's awesome to see, nearly all of the ELITEs wanting and longing to be there for one another. We grow so close that it hurts us to see the other hurt. And I'm not just saying that from my point of view. Others have said it as well.

This program. The ELITEs. It's all amazing what the camp is doing. God is using them to change hundreds of lives, and mine is one of them.

In Him,
Maddie

Mentor Appreciation: Tokyo

Dear World,

Tokyo was our ELITE supervisor. She wasn't exactly a mentor, but she had everything to do with the ELITEs, so I am going to write a mentor appreciation about her too.

Tokyo is the single most awesomest person I've ever met. She also happens to be indescribable. When she talks, she's very "here's the truth, and now it's your choice" sorta thing, ya know? She completely speaks on truth and shows us... the truth, basically. No, beating around the bush, or doing a build up sorta thing. It's very plain, and simple. And i love how she delivers her messages so amazingly. She's also incredibly dorky, and funny. She's not a crowd pleaser and is completely individual in an, I'm going to do it my way, sorta thing. But also, not an arrogant or immature and selfish, I'm going to do it my way, sorta thing. She's very accepting, and loving. I love her, and am thankful to her for being our ELITE supervisor!

I<3tokes!

In Him,
Maddie

Mentor Appreciation: Dodge City

Dear World,

Just thought I'd finish it all up. I'll do Tokyo on Friday.

Dodge is one of the coolest people I've ever met. Or, actually, one of those people who thinks their insanely cool. And he is! He's hilariously cool, but it cracks me up how cool he thinks he builds himself up to be. Not only is he cool, but he is one of the most gifted speakers I've ever had the privilege of listening to before in my life. It's amazing! I love listening to him talk. When He talks, it's almost like I can hear God talking to me through His mouth. And that has happened with other mentors, but it seem to happen every single time he gets up in forum to talk. That and his cocky coolness (just kidding, he's not cocky. It's just hilarious) are what I'll miss the most about Dodge City.

Dodge is awesome and makes cleaning bathrooms not as nasty and gross and boring and terrible of a job as it seem it should be.

Will miss ya Dodge!

In Him,
Maddie

Mentor Appreciation: Pluto

Dear World,

Just thought I'd throw Pluto into the bunch of mentors that I'm doing tonight.

Pluto was the first Dining Hall mentor. And I absolutely loved her to pieces. Dining Hall was my favorite work area, just because she was doing it. I'm not entirely sure why. It was just probably her awesome... strange, personality. I've opened up the most to PlutseyBaby. (I still hate it!) The strange thing is though, I feel like she really listens. Often times, when I tell people about things, yes, they listen, but they don't really... listen. You know what I mean? Like they have their ears turned on, but their not actually processing anything I'm saying. I feel like Pluto really does listen, and she responds. (normally with a question first.. lol) She's entertaining, WEIRD, loving, caring, generous, selfish, whinny, and annoying. But it's all apart of the wonderful Pluto that I had to learn how to love. lol. just kidding.

I<3you sooo much, and will miss you even more!

In Him,
Maddie Rose

Mentor Appreciation: Lady

Dear World,
(over night, night is tomorrow so Imma do Lady now)

I haven't gotten to know Lady as well as some of the other mentors because this was her first session as sthe dinning hall mentor. She has been such a Joy to have for a mentor though. She's sweet and funny and nice. She knows her stuff to. (Biblically) I wish I would have been able to get to know her better, because this is my last session, but the time that I have known her has been amazing. Tomorrow I have her for dining hall, which is why I'm writing this tonight instead of in the morning. Lady is amazing. I really do wish I would have gotten a chance to get to know her better.

but I do <3you Lady!
Maddie

Mentor Appreciation: Kitty

Dear World,

Today, I had Kitty for an area mentor. Oh, what good memories. I'm going to share a brief story before I move on in my telling of Kitty.
The first day of maintenance, when we did a garbage run, there was this one hill. No, lets not call it a hill. That's a bit of an understatement. There was this mountain. And this mountain had a dramatic slope. When you got to the bottum of the mountain where you entered the street, there were some cars there. Probable 2 or 3. Kitty had a cart on the back of the golf cart, so it made it especially difficult. So when we got to the bottom of the mountain, Kitty got stuck in this little patch of road because he accidentally parked backwards. It took him like 10 freakin minutes to get turned around, and the whole time I'm dying from laughter in the passenger seat.. haha
So ya, tuns of memories with Kitty. He is so chill... Chill Kitty! It's one of the funniest things to hear him try and yell. It's like a small, scared child, calling to hid mommy. The only thing is, the small scared child is up a 50 foot tree and has lost his voice due to the amount of screaming the child was doing to get someones attention. After the child has lost his voice is when you compare it to Kitty. It's hilarious. Kitty is lay back, and cool. Kitty is Kitty, and that's really all there is to it. He is such a Godly man and I love listening to Him talk in forum.

I will miss Kitty SO so much!

In Him,
Maddie

Mentor Appreciation: TigerLily

Dear World,

Today it's TigerLily. =P

She made camp so freakin legit. Fun? no. Entertaining? no. Happy? no.

Crazy? yes! Like a one man circus? yes! Ecstatic? yes!

TigerLily has made camp soooo fun! Not only is she exceptionally hilarious! But she's kind, and caring, and compassionate, and understanding. She's many different things. But most of all, she's herself. She aspires to be, TigerLily. She's 100% original, and no one can even attempt to be her. TigerLily has been absolutely awesome! I'll miss her SO so much!

Love to you TigerLily! Had an awesome day with ya.

In Him,
Maddie Rose

Mentor Appreciation: L4D

Dear World,

This is my last week and in addition to what I'm usually writing about, I'll do a small thing for mentor appreciation. Today was just a freakin bomb day, and that's all I really have to say about that. soo, time to appreciate the mentors. Everyday that I have a mentor at a certain workplace, I'll talk about them, that way I can get them all.

Soo, l4d. L4d is special to me in something of a different way. I bonded with her first. (literally, like, first day) All the other mentors at the beginning were weird to me just because I liked l4d so much, and didn't really care about them. Fyi, that changed pretty quickly. L4d is seriously like a mother hen bird who takes all the little hens under her wings and makes them feel loved, and safe. I didn't necessarily feel loved and safe with her, just like she was a pretty cool dude and it was awesome getting to know her. I deffinetly screwed things up with my teenage immaturity but I was shocked at how... not so much easy, but natural it seemed that it was for her to forgive me. It was different.. different in a good way of course! I love how she loves hugs, and how easy she is to talk to, and perfect of a target she is for practical jokes.. ;) I'll miss l4d sooo, so, so, so, so, so, so, MUCH!
I<3L4D!

Tomorrow I think is TigerLily... oooh, that should be interesting. =)

Love Always,
Maddie

Withdrawn

Dear World,

SAMBICA is amazing. They've helped me discover a lot about myself, and pushed me to making my relationship with God more personal. Sambica... I love the camp. I'm incredibly sad that next week is my last week. I would have been here for a total of 5 weeks. (no wonder the mentors are getting tired of me. :P) I would trade my entire summer plans to be there for the rest of the session and session 3.

Yesterday, and today, I was withdrawn from the fun and excitement that SAMBICA has to offer. A lot has been going on at home and it's easy for me to get distracted and start thinking about my situation at home. I don't like being on this seemingly emotional roller coaster. I love being here, and I enjoy it so much, and I've been having so much fun. But sometimes, realization about things that are happening in the house that I have to go back to, 2 states away, will crash over me, and I'll just get withdrawn. I feel as if people, elites, mentors, get annoyed with how easily my mood changes. But I just can't help it. I can't help but feel sad about what's going on at home. I can't help but be emotional about things that are happening in my life. I can't help when one second I'm crazy and hyper and am having fun, and the next I'm sad and sullen and am seemingly depressed.

Life sucks...

and I can sit here and focus everything that's gone wrong with me and how much it sucks and how many ways I can mope and be upset and yada yada yada. Yes, I'm going through trials, and it is hard, and I will be upset, but the longer I rant about how hard it is, the harder it will be to thank God for the things that I do have.

I am going to list a few of the things that I'm thankful for, here-
Growing up in a Christian home
Knowing that my parents love me
Having both my parents alive, and healthy
Having an older sister
Having a younger sister
Jesus saving my life, and loving lowly, filthy, disgusting, wretched me
Friends that make me smile and friends that I know will be there for me during the hard times
L4d, for being there the moment I needed someone to talk to. aka, first day, and several days since then
Pluto, for letting me share my heart, and thoughts I'm having, with her
TigerLily, for being a fresh, funny, entertaining spirit. because, Lord knows, we definitely need some entertainment in our lives.
Kitty, for all the little things. his small jokes, his pathetic comebacks, his uncanny way of making everyone comfortable around each other
DodgeCity, for his gift of speaking and preaching because through some of the talks he's done during forum, I've been able to hear God speaking clearly to me through his mouth.

I have so much more to be thankful for, but that will do for now. I shouldn't let what's going on in my life rob me of so much of my joy. I think that it is good to be sad, and feel the pain, but when it makes it hard to focus on the positive is when I should be worried.

In Him,
Maddie

Broken Hearts, God's Plan

Dear World,

Ok, 2 things.
#1. today we had ropes course. see my post Trust the Ropes if you haven't before. It will explain the nights events almost perfectly. (it's one of my earlier ones)

and #2. This week, I was trying to see if I was able to get baptized. I was baptized once, 2 years ago. But in between now, and then, a lot happened to make the baptism mean nearly nothing. I was about 12, and I didn't fully understand what it means to be baptized. I don't feel like I was baptized, I feel like I just went swimming or something. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I felt the need to do it again. Unfortunately though, SAMBICA believes in only being baptized once, so our ELITE Supervisor, Tokyo, told me that they weren't going to let me do it. I was very heartbroken about it, and didn't understand why it was happening. I honestly felt like this is what I HAD to do.

I've gone through a lot while I've been at SAMBICA. A lot changed in the way I view my relationship with God and how I want it to be a long lasting 'not just a camp or summer' thing. Getting baptized, here, at SAMBICA, with these people who helped me realize so much of what I've learned... I just felt like it was exactly what God wanted for me to do. And you know what, I can say enough times, "God had it happen for a reason", and "what I planned isn't God's plan",  or "it'll play out just the way He wants it to"... You all may think I'm just saying that because that's just what a typical gcg (good christian girl) would say, but no. I'm not a gcg. In fact, I hate stereo types with a passion. I'm saying these things because, I truly believe that God has a bigger plan for me and that my plan is not His plan. I'm only human. I am not getting baptized for a reason. I don't know yet what that reason is, but that's what God planned so I'm ok with it.

I was very upset by it, but I basically planned this whole post out, word for word when we were at dinner at the camp today. It gave me some peace of mind to realize some of this and helped me have a better night.

Love Always,
Maddie Rose

Good Day

Dear World,

Today was a pretty good day. May I talk about how good of a day it was? Good, because I'm the one writing this blog. I'm in control. Mwahahaha.

Today I had kitchen duty. Which, isn't that bad. Except I stayed at one of the most difficult stations to work at when you do Kitchen, all day. No one switched with me. But that's because I told them not to. I wanted to work extra hard today because I had something of a lame work day yesterday with Lower Camp. So I felt pretty good about that. Afterwords, when we were down at Lower Camp, just chillen, I was able to "vent" to one of the mentors-(I LOVE YOU!) just about some things that are goin on in my life, and stuff I've been thinking about. It was good for me to talk about it with someone. One of the other ELITEs happens to be a FANTASTIC guitar player, so he let me sing while he played some songs. And that was awesome because I really miss my band!!

It was a good day. The only downer was I was getting stressed about camp stuff. But that's ok. That will play out on it's own, and whatever happens will happen because God planned for it to go that way.

In Him,
Maddie

P.S. Delaney Adel. I'm menchening you here, like you asked me to.

The Battle

Dear World,

Ok, for starters, just like God is real, the devil is also.

While I've been at SAMBICA I've realized more so than ever before how much I need to lean on God and give my burdens and stresses up to Him. Today, I was talking with one of the mentors, and something had come up that day that had reminded me of a tragic experience from when I was a little younger. This mentor told me (and I think this was God trying to give me a heads up through her mouth) that the reason this had been brought back to mind is because the devil was trying to discourage me and turn my attention away from God. Because I am trying harder than ever before to lean on God the devil is going to try even harder to discourage me and pull me away.

You know how, in a war, you've got your good side and then you got your bad side. The bad side's army is very much bigger and stronger then the good sides. The good side starts loosing and getting defeated. After a while the bad side starts getting confident that they have everything under control, and they stop worrying about whats happening. But then, lets say that the good side gets the heads up about a weapon that will defeat this army. So they go out and start searching for this weapon. When they find it, they come back harder and stronger. The bad side notices the change and they come back harder and stronger and faster with newer, younger, and stronger men to fight.

The devil will come back harder. He will never stop fighting. But God will come, and He will take over the fight. He will battle the devil to the ground, and God will win!

That's all for today. I had to get that outta my system.

In Him,
Maddie

Friends are important

Dear World,

One thing I'm greatly thankful for from the ELITE program is the people. I tend to struggle with surrounding myself with good friends, and I'm so glad that the ELITE program has some amazing people. Most of the other kids who sign up, love Jesus, and want to know Him in a deeper, more personal way. It's been good for me to surround myself with these people because, even though that is what I'm shooting for as well, they help me achieve that too. It would be so much harder if I was surrounded with people who didn't give a crap. Lots of people at home are just like that, but the other high schoolers who have been here to help me have also shown me what I should look for in a friend back in southern cali. Most of the people back home are going to try to hold me back and not let me get that long term goal of becoming more like Jesus, but I know now from the friends I've made here how I should go about dealing with the people at home and how not to let them get to me and pull me down. I will forever miss these people from session 1. I'll be sad when I've gotta work at the camp next week without them. But the good thing is, I'll make more friends and I'll grow close to them, and learn about them, and they'll learn about me.

SAMBICA is such a good place, and this program is absolutely amazing. I plan on trying to do it again next year. God is using this camp to transform and mold me into His original masterpiece. His perfectly thought out, designed, and planned, original masterpiece. Sometimes, I think we all need to sit back and say to ourselves "I am God's original masterpiece". For me, it would be "Maddie is God's original masterpiece". He is still molding me, He is still shaping me. And He will continue to do so after I leave this camp. I won't be sucked back into my old ways. I will give my burdens up to God and He will carry them for me. I love you God!

In Him,
Maddie

SAMBICA friends and saying goodbye

Dear World,
Unfortunately, I had to babysit wednesday night, so I never got around to writing another post. I'll do that now. I remember, I had something in my head that I was gonna wright about, but I kinda forget. Wait a second, I'll try to remember it... la de do do, do da da do... Oh ya.

So, wednesday I had Lower Camp, with one my awesome mentors, L4D, and when we were down there all the ELITEs decided to go on water toys. Like, the floating trampoline in the water and the huge inflatable that people jump off of. Wednesday was my first day back in the water after I hurt my back. I wasn't scared or nervous or anything. It was just fun! I was just having a crap load of fun with these people I'd only known for a couple weeks. But, in a deeper way, I'd really known them much longer. Not only the mentors, but the ELITEs also. There was a close bonding that was going on those couple of weeks. In a way, we'd already been aware of one another. It was just a matter of getting to know, love, and bond with each other. We're sisters and brothers in Christ. We'll never be completely apart from one another.

Saying goodbye to people today was not an easy thing. There's a possibility I may never see them again in my life. They have grown me and helped me in my faith. It was actually the ELITEs more so then it was the mentors. (though the mentors were absolutely fantastic and I'll never forget them!) The mentors can preach to you, and talk to you about God, and be your mentor to some extent. But it's the people that you hang around with, that you grow close to and you open yourself up to that have an impact on your life. They mold, and shape you, and the ELITEs, (especially the PITs and JCs) were so amazing in being there for me these past 3 weeks. I'll never forget them and how willing they were to be there for me when I needed someone.

Love SAMBICA forever,
Maddie

I couldn't think of a title for this one...

Dear World,

Today was a particularly difficult day. I often times don't realize how my actions effect other people. I ended up hurting one of the other ELITEs because of it. It got to a point where one of the mentors intervened and made us sit down with her and talk about what was going on. One thing in-particular I hadn't even noticed that I had done, but that was my immature ignorance.

Why does that happen? Why are we (sometimes) unknowingly mean to other people. It can be the cause for sooo much hurt and pain. I was so frustrated with what had happened because I felt like I'd let God down. It, in and of itself, was not crazy and extremely bad. This girl was hurt, yes, but compared to other things, it could have been easily avoided. I'm not sure why I was effected so deeply by this incident though. It wasn't life changing. It was merely a rough patch in a relationship with a friend that I'm not even extremely close to. So... why was it such a big deal? I had started crying when the mentor was talking to the two of us. And I sat by myself for about a half hour, thinking and mulling this incident over in my head. I was close to tears the whole time.

So anyways...  I didn't feel like comparing something that happened during the day to how I could have done it better, or how it relates to Christianity. This had been a big part of the day, and it has been on my mind for quite some time. That's basically what I'm using this blog for though. Writing down the big events of the day, good, or bad. Maybe, after a night of thinking things over, and another day at camp, I'll have better thoughts and feelings about what happened.

In Him,
Maddie

Does he believe?

Dear World,

So today we were sitting around with the girl mentors and some random supervisor who I didn't really know and we were talking about relationships and stuff. One of the mentors said that she wouldn't even consider dating someone who wasn't a Christian... or something to that effect. I've always held that to a really high level when I think of the man I'm gonna marry and stuff, but normally when I tell people that, even Christian friends, they think it's the oddest thing. I'm the same as this mentor, I don't even want to consider dating someone who isn't a Christian, but it totally took me by surprise when she had said that. 

Most of my Christian friends don't think that their future husband or wife's faith is of big importance. To me, it is. When you get married, and you marry a non-Christian, it completely effects the whole dynamics of your marriage. You can't really talk about your faith with your partner, depending on how he or she sees the religion. And if you happen to be having some big spiritual growth, problems, changes, etc. you can't really talk to your partner about it because they can't relate with you. You should be able to relate with your husband/wife in every way, and for me, religion will be a big one.

Anyway, that's one thing I got from today. I'm, oddly, exhausted. Probably due to the long wait for lunch seeing as I had dining hall today. lol, jk. I love dinning hall. But I'm probably gonna go to bed now. 

In Him,

Maddie

A Symphony of Hannah Songs

Dear World,

One of the other ELITEs happens to be a Hannah Montana FAN! His words are, "Hannah is a beautiful woman!" I'm pretty sure he could care less about Miley. Anyway, one of the PITs started singing hannah songs and then he took over. It was hilarious. He knew EVERY single one, and he was getting completely into it. Soul and everything! But what I thought was hilarious was that, you name any Hannah song, and he knew it!

I don't think there's anything wrong with this ELITE really liking Hannah Montana, infact, I think that had been one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen in my life. I just wish that I had the same amount of passion to know Christ like he has a desire to know Hannah songs. We have these HUGE desires for all these different things. Random things. Water bottles, sweatshirts, pens, bright colors, etc. What if we just, transported that same amount of desire and want from those earthly things, to reading our Bibles regularly, wanting to know God on a deeper and more personal level, living out what we say we do regularly but never actually do. I just think we put so much of ourselves into things on earth that have no value. Seems kinda silly if you ask me.

Well, until tomorrow,
Maddie

Mentors

Dear World,

Today was a pretty all around day, and i couldn't find something to write about. I'll give you an update on my back though. I'm really feeling a lot better. I'm still in a lot of pain when I stand straight up, but I'm fine on walking and stuff. I can't seem to be standing or sitting for too long because that puts stress on it. If it doesn't start getting better in at least 3-4 days, then I may have to go to the hospital.

So I decided what I was gonna write about. Since I couldn't find something to write on today, I think I'll just write about the mentors. I'll probably do another post just like this, talking about them, at the end of session. Because today is the marking point for exactly half way through this session. But that's what I'm gonna do today.

Dodge City-
So, Dodge is a pretty cool guy. So cool that he gave me my camp name. =P He's good at his job. He tries to get it right... but that's kinda just the what you could pick out at anytime sorta thing. He is the nicest, funniest, most caring, most sarcastic male mentor ever! The first time I had him for accommodations (bathrooms) I had been very disrespectful and rude. I felt ashamed about that because I would NEVER do that! At least to someone in authority over me. I don't know why that happened, but it did. He was quick to forgive, and hasn't brought it up since. Which i think is amazing, because so many people just hold things over you forever, and are bitter. This is just my opinion, and I'm not a doctor, but I think that's unhealthy. Anyway, Dodge is amazing.

Late 4 Dinner (l4d)-
So, the day I met l4d, I LOVED HER! haha... just kidding. But i did think she was really nice. It was the next day that i loved her. :) She is like, the nicest, most loving and caring mentor in the world. Yesterday, when I had hurt my back and was lying on the beach for like an hour, she was next to me the whole time. I don't know why, everyone was just kinda coming and going, but she never left. And that made me feel so good. She had happened to be the mentor that was trying to help me by telling me that I was wearing an NCA shirt. I'm not upset about that anymore... infact, I think the whole thing was pretty silly, but I am so happy to have met her. Nice and caring l4d. =P

Wildcat (Kitty)-
Kitty is one of those chill and cool people. But when he spoke today... it was like, one of those silent but violent things. His message hit home for me. He's really quiet, and chill, and can't yell (like seriously), but listening to him talk today was so good. He was saying how you shouldn't try to fix a problem that you have, on your own, because your sure to fail. The only way is to lean on God. He's not one of those loud and crazy speakers. Like... "You should come to JESUS, because if you don't come to JESUS, you are SUUUUURE to live a life in HELL for your TERRIBLE sin and the way you live you TERRIBLE life." No. He just tells it as it is. And I love that about him. He's very sweet, and has that light, but HILARIOUS sense of humor. Kitty is Kitty. What more can I say...

Tigerlily-
I have an odd relationship with Tigerlily. She's one of those naturally funny people. She's the person that everyone tries to be like. You can't help but love her. Everyone loves her... it's impossible not to. I don't feel the closest to her... like, outta the mentors that we have. But she knows the most about me. I don't really open up to her, but conversation just goes to where she learns more and more things just about and personally about myself. I've told her more in the past week and a half then I've told another counselor I met at the same camp in 2 years. It's not that I feel extremely close to her... idk. I love tigerlily. don't get me wrong, i do. I just don't know how she ended up knowing so much about me! I guess she's just one of those awesome people. Tigerlily is bomb man.

Pluto-
I don't know what to say about Pluto. She's my favorite mentor to be put with. She makes working fun. (except for when she hasn't eaten. =P ) She really doesn't know a whole lot about me, and I don't know a lot about her, but I feel like I can talk to her about anything. Like I could just go up to her and she'd be willing to talk right then. She's told me how she came to Christ, and her testimony. She's one of those indescribable people... I'll have to say something though, because I did about the others. Well... she's hilarious, infinantly nice, extremely loving, always caring, forever a hard worker... idk. I just love her. =)

So ya! I don't pick favorites. I think that's mean. Their all special to me differently, and I'll keep my favorites to myself. But I love them all, and am so happy to have them as our mentors!

In Him,
Maddie

Pinched Nerves and Good Attitudes

Dear World,

Yup, you read the title right. Pinched nerves. In my back to be exact. It's difficult to walk, because if the weight it puts on my back. So... here's the story-

I was jumping off the high dive, multiple times with my friend Kyle. He was helping me with back flips, and I was helping him with front flips. The mentors and others who weren't in the water yelled to us for us to do a dive. So I did one. It was ok, but slightly uncomfortable. I decided to do one more, just to get it perfect. This time, my legs flipped back and (according to Kyle) nearly touched the back of my head. It seemed like I was bent in half with my stomach stretched and my back pinched. As soon as my head hit the water I felt a terrible shooting pain in the middle of my back. I could barely swim when I re-surfaced and was nearly drowning.Thankfully, Kyle had been just below watching me go off, so he had me grab his shoulder and swam me to shore, then he helped me walk up to the 'beach' and lie down. One of the mentors, actually, the one i had given the oath of silence the day before, sat by me the entire time and helped me do various things like lift my head to swallow the meds, and sit up for the first time. And the camp medic was there in what seemed like a second was already trying to figure out what was wrong. I was also freakin cold. I think it took about 40 minutes for me to stop shivering completely. I had to lie on my towel, so the get extras to cover me, and the mentors put their jackets on me to. They were so nice! even though i felt like i was breaking in half, and my back was killing me, I was EXTREMELY thankful to all of them.

So ya, time for what I was really gonna write on. So yesterday, me and the dinning hall mentor were in bad moods. Me, because I had a terrible headache from first lunch, and her because she can't stand not eating for too long. (she gets cranky, and grumpy) So today, since we'd both noticed our bad moods yesterday, we made a sorta promise to each other not to let that happen again. But, about half way through the day, I did something really stupid, and it really wasn't that big of deal, but i got like a lot of (negative) attention for it. It was just something small, and they got over it fast, but it brought back a lot of bad memories of experiences where i was just that. The center of attention for doing something extremely stupid. That was always one of the most upsetting things to me. So today, immediately after that happened, I went into the bathroom and cried for about 5 minutes. I didn't want to tell the dining hall mentor how upset I was by it, because she was really trying to have a good, positive day. It didn't really ruin my day, but it kinda put me in an off mood for about an hour.

But, my point for bringing up the whole Good Attitudes thing was because we should always have a good attitude when we're serving the Lord and working for Him. We should actually have a good attitude all the time when we're working, but especially when we're serving and working for God. We speak about God and Jesus, we put our hands up in worship, we WORK for God.. but the thing is, do we do it with a servant's heart? Or do we put on a fake attitude that does not portray who we really are and we do the "Good Christian thing". Gosh, I hate that image. The "Good Christian". It's always hard for me not to act like the Good Christian and actually work for GOD! Work for God because that's what He wants us to do. Not because that's what man says we should do.

Goodness... well, that's all I'm gonna say today. I'm kinda outta it because of the MANY pain killers I've had already. Hopefully tomorrows post will be better.

Hope to get better,
Maddie

CA shirts

Dear World,

Today i showed up at camp wearing an NCA shirt (not camp appropriate). It didn't seem to be in my eyes, but one of the mentors said it was. At first i just wore my jacket over it, but that seemed to be too hot, so i borrowed a shirt from one of the girls i was working with. I was very frustrated with the whole CA shirt thing, so i gave the mentor who had told me to change, an oath of silence for the whole day. I can be so immature. It wasn't till i was driving away, and i saw her walking towards the rest of the ELITEs that were getting ready to leave, that i realized how stupid i was. I didn't even say goodbye man! I was raised to always say goodbye to friends, so that way, just in case something happens, i would have said goodbye to them, or given them a hug as, like, a final seeing sorta thing. So i felt bad about that.

I wonder how much it must brake the Lord's heart when we don't spend as much time with Him, or are as worried if we sinned against Him as we are with our earthly friends. I know I'm guilty of doing that, A LOT! I spend so much time worrying about if, my friends like me, if I hurt them by something I might've said, if i was rude, mean, sarcastic... etc. I think it must hurt God that we don't pour so much of ourselves into correcting the sin we commit against Him as we do in the sin we commit against people. Because the sin we commit against God will always outweigh the sin we commit against any human being.

But also, I think we pour so much of ourselves into correcting human relationships, because humans bite back. They get hurt and then they retaliate. God doesn't retaliate. He waits, patiently, for you to come and make it right. He doesn't fight. But He does punish wrong doing. That's where I think people get the two confused. 'God is getting me back for not spending exactly 30 minutes with Him, when I had to stop devotion at 25 minutes'. No, God's not getting you back. He's punishing you. Punishing you for stealing those drugs, for smoking that pot, for cheating on your wife. etc...

Anyways, I'm going to start pouring more of myself into my relationship with God, then with my relationships with man.
But, if you are reading this, I apologize for being so immature today. You may not have noticed, or maybe you did, but either way, I'm very sorry.

Until tomorrow,
Maddie

Trust the Ropes

Dear World,

Last Wednesday the SITs were asked if they would like to stay later to try out the ropes course. (naturally i said yes) Never had i thought that 30 feet was so high! Before I went on the ropes course, our ELITE supervisor, Tokyo, told me that in order to completely trust the ropes, you just have to let yourself fall. Fall, and have faith that they will hold you up.

That, I think, is similar to Christianity. We're too scared to completely give ourselves up to the Lord. Have complete trust in the fact that if we fall, He will be there to hold us up. He won't let us hit the ground. But, there is still that second or two when the rope hasn't straightened out yet and grabbed your weight where you doubt that it could support you. When we're in the middle of the fall, we may have slight doubts about if He'll be there to hold us up. But then the rope tightens, it grabs your weight. Your hanging their, heart thumbing from those few moments of flight. You start to calm down and realize that these ropes do have you. They won't let you fall. You Trust them. God won't let us fall. He'll always be there to hold us up.

This was just something I was contemplating and decided to write in here.

In Him,
Maddie

Sambica thus far...

Dear World,

I am an ELITE. I am an SIT. I am a GIRL. I am doing this to serve the LORD. I am working for HIM.

This week I started at a camp called SAMBICA as an ELITE, SIT. I have 2 more weeks to go and want to inform people about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, how it effects me, and what the outcome at the end of the session will be. (I'll be sure to update this more than once a week)

I am very blessed. I have 2 parents and 2 sisters. I have uncles and aunts and cousins that love me. I don't have a lot of earthly possessions, but family is the most important thing. If it wasn't because of my family I wouldn't be at this camp right now.

The reason I wanted to come to SAMBICA is because I came as a camper 2 years ago and had one of the most life changing experiences i had ever had. So, I signed up this year to be an SIT (staff in training) , hoping that I would be able to have a somewhat similar experience. I am a naturally hard worker and i knew that when I came to SAMBICA i would be doing real, working jobs while I was here. I didn't care. So far, I am sooo thankful that I came. I had some tragic news broken to me and my sisters the week before i came, and I was very numb about it for the first few days. When I got to washington to go to the camp I spent the first 2 days with my cousins Ellie and Sadie (6 and 2). They made me forget about all that was going on. I was so incredibly thankful for the time I spent with them.

Sunday was sign in for sambica. I was greeted by the ELITE mentors. The place was bubbling with joy and anticipation for the weeks to come that it put me in a dark place. Yes, I was very excited to be there. But the tragic news that i had been given was never far from my mind. Naturally i thought that that was how the whole session was gonna go, so I stopped looking forward to it. But the next day, Day 1, changed that in an instant. I was still very down by the great excitement, but my spirits had been lifted just by being able to be there. I had missed the camp and was so excited to be back.

Things have been tough this week. Week 1. I've been able to talk to a few of the mentors about what's been going on in my life, and they have been very helpful in showing me that there is nothing that will help me more than leaning on GOD and His WORD. I've started reading my way through Psalms and Proverbs (suggested by one of the mentors) and it has been very helpful, even though it's only been a couple of days.

Things have also been good this week. Thursday we had the carnival, and I don't think I've ever had more fun before in my life. Kids were excited and running from here to there with there tickets. ELITEs were excited and dancing around like they were drunk (though we weren't, lol) and I was having a blast running one of the games with my friend Claudia. She was so high energy that it pumped my spirits as well.

So, to sum it up, this first week was a success. I'll put up some more in-depth posts now as the weeks go on.

In Him,

Maddie