I am not Californian or Washingtonian. I am me.

Dear World,

God is helping me find me. I was, and have been, so lost in the knowledge of who I am. Mostly in how it relates to where I am at. So much of my heart and life lives in California. It walks the streets I've known since birth, it belongs individually to each person I've grown close to amongst my church family, and it dwells comfortably in the flowing hills of Palm Springs that are so near and dear to everything I've know in my life. Palm Springs is so beautiful to me. Because it's my home, the rolling desert and sand, surrounded bye thousands of palm trees and towering mountains is the most beautiful sight to me. It means home. It means memories. It means somewhere I'm comfortable, know, and am not un-familiar.

Yet, through this last year, my heart is finding itself a new home. A home with many different trees, and not just palm trees. A home where clouds are frequent visitor and rain isn't un-familiar. Washington is capturing me. Not just with its dreary weather and never existing sun, but with its people. Its culture. Washington is so different from California. Standards are so different. In California, there are out of this world expectation to look, and be, a certain way. And yes, this exists in other places, such as Washington, as well, but it's never as intense as it is in California. In Washington, I see so many people who don't even care that they're wearing pajamas out in public. I try to be like this,  but it's so hard when you have so many people judging you.

Not only that, but I have so many more opportunities to pursue things I'm interested in up in Washington. I don't have so many in Palm Springs. Washington is basically the homeschool capitol of the country. It's got its own thriving music industry. It's also overflowing with teenage opportunities. Un-like Palm Springs, which is basically a retirement area.

God is really showing me who I am between the person I feel I am in California, and the person I feel I am in Washington. I definitely feel like two different people. And as I've been finding myself, I've started being more comfortable with myself. I've always been confident with who I am at the time. But the thing is, it was always a modified version of me. Not who I really was. There were always other things effecting it. Whether it was sports, trends, places, or relationships, it was never me. It was always something else that was taking over my life. I was confident in it, and didn't care if people liked it or not, but it was never actually me, which is probably why I didn't care if they liked it. Because it wasn't actually me they were liking.

Sambica is helping me get in touch with who I really am. A teenage girl, with lots of plans for the future, a passion for music, and a pure love for Jesus. As long as I hold on to those things, I will never lose myself to anyone, or anything. Thank you Sambica. Will talk more tomorrow about exactly what happened this week.

In Him,
Maddie

A week in review

Dear World,

This has been one of the most challenging weeks I've ever walked through at Sambica. Partially because it was a whole new program to adjust to. Partially because there were people I used to really like that have started to really make me mad. And partially because I got to know a lot of the kids really well, and then I had to say goodbye to them all on Friday. I'm going to touch on each of these in this post today.

First off, the program. PIT is basically what I expected. A lot more work. It has been absolutely exhausting. We almost never stop working. Our Head of Activities encourages us to find at most, one break of 45ish minutes a day, but this isn't always possible. On a full day, we're on schedule from 9:30 am to 5:35 pm, playing and being crazy with kids (ranging in ages 5-11) nonstop. This isn't counting getting up at 6 every morning to be out on the field to set up all the inflatables, as well as one of our activities courses. The work is freaking ridiculous, and I don't know why I pay to do it, but the one thing I was really grateful for was being in a program with kids my own age. It may not seem like it, but there is a big difference between a 13/14 year old's maturity level, and a 15/16 year old's maturity level. The hardest part for me has always been being put in programs where I'm the oldest (because I've always been a grade behind). I just never fit because I don't seem to connect with the others as much because they're younger. So mostly my bible study time has been my favorite because I feel like I'm finally on a level with other teens who are in the same place as me, maturity and faith wise. It's just been so great.

As far as the people go.... there's actually two parts to this, because there have also been a lot of people that I didn't know so well, and have really clicked with. But along with that has come others who I've known before that I want to punch in the face every time I see. There's one of my mentors who I vent to about everybody else at camp, and she is really good about encouraging me to just put on a happy face and push through it. This has been good because when I do this, it helps me to ignore every slap in the face thing they do, and focus on the few good things they do... like talking to me... should they even do that. It's just been a really rough week in this department. People can be really mean. But I'm learning to ignore it.

Now to my favorite part. I can't tell you what it's done for me to be able to work with all these amazing kids! Teenagers and leadership can just get so frustrating and completely heartbreaking to be with. These kids haven't gone through the blender of the world. Most are still innocent. And my favorite part. They don't lie to you about if they like you or not. They are very straightforward. And usually, after the 45-65 minutes I spend with each cabin, they're looking forward to the next activity I have with them. When I see a lot of them around camp, I hear my camp name "Art" being screamed from a few different directions.

It's just been so great and refreshing not being around people who lie to you or are evasive about if they like you as a person or not. Like those silly mind games people play on you. "Maybe if I pretend not to like that person, they will end up wanting me to like them more, and in turn, like me more." You know what I'm talking about. The silly beating around the bush thing that helps them feel good about themselves in the long run. Or when they say that they love you and then do nothing to show that love to you. No affection or time investment or communication of any sort. I love that these kids don't know how to do that. They are completely straightforward. If they like you, they like you, and there is no way you wouldn't be able to know. I had 3 cabins give me huge group hugs at the end up their activities on Friday, and one girl, whom I'd grown particularly fond of, start crying when I saw her for the last time. Each Friday is going to be sad, but all the time I get to spend with the kids leading up to that is going to be the greatest ever.

So yes. A very challenging week, to say the least. But quite worth the money at the end of it.

In Him,
Maddie Rose

Excited about PIT!

Dear World,

Now, I leave to go to Sambica for 5 days! And then I'm back at my house for the weekend, and go back on Sunday nights. It's going to be a very different experience. But one that I think I really need. I believe that it's going to grow me and stretch me in a different way. I'm not the same person I was last year when I came to camp. I need different things now. And I think the PIT program will be able to offer them. I still have a lot of work to do, but working with the kids is going to be the greatest part of the whole thing.

Last week I got to sit and talk with a little boy. His name is Andrew. He is really shy, but he was even more so right here because he'd hurt himself and didn't want to interact with anyone. I sat for a few minutes, just talking to him, with no response. And after a little while, he started answering my questions. It was the most beautiful thing to watch this boy start to come out of his hiding place and interact with me.

And that is what I'm looking forward to the most about being with the kids. It's not going to be the same as this boy, but just being able to be with them, play with them, and teach them how to do different things is going to be my absolute favorite part. Kids are my passion, and I hope to be working with them every single day of my life.

And with that, I'll see you all on Friday! :)

In Him,
Maddie Rose

What I learned from first sesh

Dear World,

Unfortunately, God doesn't always work over-night. It's a process. So, after 3 weeks of trying to hear from Him, and having different people pray with me, I'm slowly being re-opened to Him.

There's been a lot that could be pushing me away from God. I'm so happy to say that my time with Him has persevered through a lot, but like most relationships, there are ups and downs. I didn't push God away, I just simply got too focused on relying on myself, and not Him. And almost at the very beginning of camp, someone showed that to me. I couldn't do it by myself. But now that I knew it, I had to do something about it, and that's where I struggled, because I didn't know what to do. But after expressing this to a couple of close friends, they showed me the only thing I could do was to stop worrying, and start knowing that God had it under control. I hesitated a little at first, but slowly over the last 2 weeks, I'd started giving different things to Him. As I've continued to let it go, I've started to see God show back up in my life. It's still hard, because there is a lot that I need to give up to Him, but I'm feeling more and more at peace in letting Him handle it all.

So yea, that's what's been happening with me spiritually at camp. The mentors had asked me to do a little talk thing at the last forum in front of the parents, but I said no, because I felt like my spiritual time at camp was still growing, and I couldn't think of what I'd say. I'm excited to see how things are going to change during 2nd session when I'm staying overnight.

In Him,
Maddie Rose

I wuv ellfordee!

Dear World,


Ok. Does anyone even realize how much I love L4D? Like, I can't even explain it. I love her SO MUCH! (l4d is a mentor from last year, who has continued to be my mentor this whole year) This is just a little back story. A couple months before Sambica this year, I started to lose my excitement. There were different reasons why, but the main one being that I didn't want to have to detach myself from the people up here again. But, the only reason I ended up looking forward to it was that I'd get to see l4d again. I hadn't seen her since I left camp last year, and that alone was enough for me to be really excited for the summer.

I'm not going to go into too much detail, but seeing her again WAS amazing. It kind of filled a longing for what I was forced to push away last year. (what I mean there is I was living with one foot in both worlds. Sambica and California. It was too hard, so I had to stop pursuing Sambica people, and focus myself in California) But I really didn't need anyone else. Just seeing her told me that the summer was going to be fine. She was there. I didn't need to worry. It was going to be ok.

But of course, that didn't last. She isn't a mentor. She's our supervisor. So basically, I see her at meals and when she is rushing off to go somewhere, and maybe occasionally at water front, but not that often. It was really hard at first, because I didn't really have any mentors in California. All the ones I had truly trusted were from Sambica last year, and I was in a place of no acceptance and was scared of what the new mentors would be like.

I eventually realized that I couldn't spend my summer wanting to be with l4d. If I truly wanted to have a good time, I needed to forget about her, and get to know these new mentors. And I know that's a strong statement, to forget about her, but really what I mean is I needed to focus on these new mentors. Obviously if I'm going to get a chance to be with l4d, I'm going to take it because I barely see her at all. But, when I'm with the mentors, I be with the mentors. And I really get to know them.

Basically, this year is different. It's not like the mentors are my second choice to l4d. Quite the opposite now actually. Because I've decided to start focusing on them, I'm starting to really really like them. To where I really like being with them. We're developing our own inside jokes, having fun together, talking with each other. I actually WANT to be with them. And when I see l4d, I'm excited to see her too. :) But I'm not as upset as I was about not being with her. That has been replaced with actual excitement to be with these mentors instead. :)

But also. I am excited to stay over night, because that does mean I see l4d more. :) Just because I'm loving these mentors doesn't mean I'm not excited when I get to see her. It's actually been the opposite. Because I've kind of forgotten about her and that she's there, and started hanging out with the mentors, when I do see her, it's so much awesomer. Even if I'm not talking to her, just seeing her puttering around, doing her job, it makes me happy to know I have her here with me. Because I do love the freakin crap outta her. :)

Mhmm, so yea. I LOVE YOU SAGE, PEZ, BOATCRASH, GILLIGAN, CABANA, SCUBA, AND L4D! Sambica 2011, you're becoming my best friend. <3

In Him,
Maddie Rose

Mentors: Cool? or Lacking?

Dear World,

It's finally happening, prayers are being answered, and I'm starting to really really get excited. This is going to sound really bad and like a stupid thing to be excited about, but I'm starting to really enjoy camp again! And if you think about it, this is really only like my 7th day because I was gone all last week, so I missed out on a lot. I really feel like I just got here, because I was gone, so it feels like a fast change, when really, this is my 3rd week at camp.

The main thing to change and make it better has been the mentors. Aka, getting to know them better. First week I definitely wasn't closed off to them, but they did seriously scare me. Like, what are they going to be like, I wonder if they're anything like the mentors from last year (because obviously your going to have a subconscious standard that you really want them to meet and exceed, even if you know that that isn't the greatest thing in the world), I wonder if they'll like me, maybe they're not going to like me right away. And that one was definitely the worst.

I totally expected them not to like me. "She's just that girl with all the problems who can't handle herself and needs constant help." People have sort of labeled me as that this year and I was really scared that these new people would think that as well. Especially at Sambica, because that place seems to have some kind of protective bubble, where you can talk to anybody about anything your dealing with and it wouldn't leave the campus. So you tend to talk about yourself and your problems a lot.

And also, (off topic) the funniest thing, there was this one mentor that I was totally convinced did not like me at all. Her name is Scuba. I don't know what I miss-interpreted to make myself think that, but anyway. I was talking to her, this other mentor Pez, and this other one, Sage, was kind of just sitting on the tube in the playground, not really listening. I think I said something about how I'd been really nervous about them the first week, and all of a sudden, Scuba stops me and says, "Now I heard . . . that you had thought that I hated you . . ." And she said it in the funniest tone. It wasn't really like a joking thing, but almost as if she was accusing me like, how could I have possibly thought that. It was just really funny. And then I point over at Sage, who was sitting on the tube, not paying attention, and was like "YOU TOLD HER!?!?!?" It was just really funny. But anyway, I'm starting to connect with them a little bit, and I'm learning a lot about them.

I don't want to say that they've met the expectations I subconsciously held, because I don't think they have. Rather, the standards are kind of melting away, so there isn't anything for them to live up to. Like the mentors from last year, they're staking their claims on their portion and involvement in my summer and are refusing to give them up. They're making their own mark that no individual to come could surpass or fall short of, because their moments are individual to them as my mentors.

So yeah. :) Looking forward to more good days with growingly awesome people.

In Him,
Maddie Rose

I'll change for you

Dear World,

I'm a very affectionate person. Sometimes, I can over express my love for someone. It's just who I am. Maybe, subconsciously I'll think that the amount you love someone equals how much you tell them, or how much you talk to them. So it really doesn't make sense to me when people say that they love me a lot, and then they show their love in a very minuscule amount. It's been the hardest thing for me to learn when I get close to people. They either don't know how, or are incapable or loving me the way I respond to.

There are people that I KNOW, very specifically, love me like a sister. And I know they'd do anything for me, but sometimes, they won't respond to me if I'm trying to get a hold of them, or it'll be a really long time before they try to contact me again, or they'll hang around other people instead of me, and I always take that really hard. I know they never mean it intentionally. They just don't know how to show me affection in a way I'd respond to. So, I learn how to show affection in a way that pleases them.

If that means a conversation every few months to catch up on life, a hug in passing, or watching you love on others then quickly ask me how my day was, then ok. If that's what makes you feel closer to me, then I'll learn how to feel closer to you in that way. Because I love you.

But you know, if you ever feel like sending me an extra text, asking a more personal question, or giving me a hug, I wouldn't argue. In fact, it may fill a longing I've had for a really long time.

In Him,
Maddie Rose

I love you! - Adventure Camp Recap

Dear World,

What do you think of first when you hear those words? "I love you." Is it your boyfriend? Maybe your parents. Little brother or sister. That little kid that's so attached to you, and it makes your heart melt. Maybe God. I have one uncommon contribution to this list. How about nature? Yep. You read this right. No. I'm not pulling your leg or making a joke...

Have you ever thought of love, maybe specific to you as a person or maybe the feeling in general, being shown through nature? Well, I know now, without a shadow of a doubt, that nature is at the top of my list when I think about the words 'I love you'.

But I guess the real question is, who is saying those words to me? Well God of course! God has shown me love in many different ways. Whether it's through His word, music, a sermon, or friendships, but never before has He shown me love through His creation. He has so radically changed how I see Him. He's no longer the isolated, little word that's read in my Bible, or said many times in a conversation, but He is now everything I see, do, and touch.

Yesterday, Thursday, my group and the YD staff went on a hike. This isn't your chill little afternoon hike. We were hiking up this mountain for 4 hours. We couldn't go all the way to the top because of the snow, but we were about a mile in elevation. Once we reached our destination, we could see other mountains that we were above. It was breathtaking, and humbling. I thought I could see the whole world. I was looking across distances I had never imagined I'd see. But then, I realized, this is only a speck in His great creation. There is so much more out there, even though I thought I could see it all.

The main thing this camping trip to Leavenworth has done for me is totally open my eyes to how BIG God is. He isn't just a word in my Bible, or a sound that my preacher makes, but he has made a huge, and spectacular creation for me to live in. And even though I think I may live in a world that is huge, God is even bigger! And because I have been able to see how big God is, I have no trouble thinking that He is strong enough to handle everything I'm dealing with. And that's something I've been struggling with for a while now: knowing and trusting that God can take everything out of my hands. Seriously though, after this week, and that hike, how could I even doubt?

That doesn't mean I'm not scared though. It's terrifying. There is a lot that I'm scared about. But I can say that it relieves me greatly to know that my life is in good hands, and also that this will all turn out well.

And with that, I say goodnight as I go to cuddle in my bed that is NOT on a hard wood floor. :)

In Him,
Maddie Rose