Stressed

Dear World,

Don't ask me why, I couldn't give you an answer. Don't ask how long, I wouldn't remember. Don't ask me when, where, or how it started, because I just don't know. But I do know one thing. I am, completely, and totally, melting. I don't know if it's stress really. I don't have much to be stressed about. Actually, that's not true, I have more to stress about than your average teenager. I'm just very good at, not stressing. But for some reason, I'm having a lot of anxiety and stress over I don't know what! I don't have a lot to be doing in school at the moment. Yea, I'm a little behind, but I can catch that up in one night. It's not really friends, because I'm getting along well with all my friends. Yea, my family stresses me out, but like I said, I'm really good at not letting that get to me.

Maybe my pent up stress from the past few months is just pouring over? I know how I work. Sometimes I'm really really good, and other times I'm really really bad. I don't think my time of stressing and anxiety over load is going to last that long. I've been feeling the anxiety and stress coming on for the past two weeks, but now it's here with full force. I think it's just going to last through to next week, but for right now, I just need to cool down, do my school, then go to bed.

In Him,
Maddie Rose

Who is your Valentine?

Dear World,

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY! And guess what? You're single, and on the market. So stop moping around. Love will find it's way into your heart.

Hey, did you know, you don't have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to have that wonderful love you're longing for this valentine's day? This love is so much deeper. And so much more intimate and powerful and fulfilling than any love you could ever find. It's the love that saved you. The love that redeemed you. The love that sacrificed everything for your soul. A love that took the weight of the whole world upon itself, because it cared so much for your eternal soul it subjected itself to torment and agonizing physical pain.
Here is a letter from your true Valentine.

My Princess Bride,

You have captured my heart, My Princess.

I will always love you. From the moment I

dreamed you up, I loved and adored you. This

love I have for you is never ending and ever

present. My heartfelt desire is for you to walk 

through all your days knowing you are truly

the love of My life. I never want you to feel

you have to earn My affection; nothing you

have said or done can or will ever change the

way I feel about you. I have chosen you to be

My precious Bride. If you allow your soul to

settle into Mine and become one with Me,

you will never doubt that I am forever and

always devoted to you.

Love,

Your Prince Jesus

who can't stop loving you

People say, I love you more than life itself. This man meant it more than them all. He actually gave up His life, FOR YOU. So if you're having trouble this Valentine's Day, feeling alone and un-loved, think again. There is one person who will always, and forever, love you, no matter what you do or say. Always.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Maddie

Goodbye 2010 Bitter-Sweet

Dear World,

2010 is gone, and 2011 is here. Well first off, I'm unfortunately sick this New Years. Me being sick kept me from going to my youth groups New Year's Party. I wouldn't have been upset about not going at all, but they have this thing called the Polar Plunge, where you have to stay in the pool the longest and you win 50$. I needed that money to go to SAMBICA next summer. I only had about 100$, but I spent a lot of that on Christmas, and now I'm down to about 60$. So, instead of only having to raise 250 after this New Years, I have to, somehow, get 350$ by April. (Donations Accepted!! :D )

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have a pretty cool God who can make anything happen. He'll provide me with a way to go.

Anyway, this New Years has been very bitter sweet. This year has been insane. From the transition to high school, to SAMBICA, family struggles, closed friendships, and new ones to take their place. I'm not really saying goodbye to anything. Only hello. I can only move forward from here. I've made wonderful friends from my summer camp. There's a fantastic support system for my family at church. And as much as I want to kill them sometimes, my friends here in the Coachella Valley are amazing, and I know they'll be there for me, no matter how much of a pain in their side I can be. Even though sometimes I can hurt them, break their hearts, lash out, ignore, and down right misstreat them. Through this past year, I've figured out who my TRUE friends, REALLY are.


Dear 2011,

I'm ready for all you have to offer me. I know there are big plans in store for me. I also know that this may be the hardest year of my life. But I'm just here to say, bring it on. Jesus is my rock, and He will get me through whatever you throw my way.

I'm ready. Are you?
Maddie Rose

NOT JUNK!

Dear World,

It's been a while since I've done this. A lot has happened in the past month. Thank God I have this blog. Oh man, I have missed it. :)

There is a lot going on in my life right now. I'm a straight A teenage girl with family, friend, and life issues... but then again, what teenage girl doesn't have those "general" problems. But amongst all those problems, I have 3 to 4 different opinions about myself being made as well as people trying to help me fix what they feel are my problems. I love their help. I love help. But it's miss judged and I'm not getting the right help, but I also have all these false images that I have to change, and fix, and work on getting passed people. There's a lot about my personal self that I need to work on, but it's very stressful to have a couple of teenagers trying to point out my problems and "help me." A lot of times I just want to say, I'm sure you have enough problems of your own to deal with, why don't you work on some of those. But the thing is, I listen to people's judgement's of me. And sometimes I completely listen to them and believe that I actually do have those problems, but then I hear from someone else that they were wrong. And I'm just spinning in circles and am extremely confused.

The only person's judgement that I truly trust is my mom's.

But I have been feeling lately that everything is being focused around fixing my "problems". And I've started convincing myself that I was this absolutely awful person and there was nothing attractive or likable about me... aaaannnndddd, that tends to happen when all your focused on 24/7 is fixing/fine-tuning everything that's wrong with you.

But it's not. Don't believe it. Don't give in to that. Forget it. It's a lie. Stop thinking that. Those are evil thoughts. And you know where they're from? The Devil himself. Do-Not-Play-Into-It!!!!!!! You are a wonderfully, perfect creation of God's. Everything He made was, perfect. God doesn't make junk. You are here for a purpose. We all have our little things that we struggle with. But those do NOT define us.

God loved you so much that out of the millions of people on earth, he intricately crafted and designed you to be exactly the way you are. You're not junk.

Thanking Him because of how He made me,
Maddie Rose

Snow

Dear World,

I experienced God in a different way yesterday. A beautiful, breath taking, wonderful way. That way can be explained in one word: Snow.

Now some people think snow came from the devil himself, but I don't. I'd never been in real snow before yesterday. It fell in my hair, on my shoulders, in my hands, on my tongue, in my eyelashes... and it fell extremely gently. It floated down from heaven, onto the pure face of my two year old cousin. It caught in her bleach blond eyelashes, and her wispy hair. And the whole time, it was completely and totally, silent. There was no noise but the occasionally joyful laugh of my cousin.

And now today, every surface of this colonial themed house's backyard is covered with 3" of pure white snow. Sitting... peacefully. Covering every surface it could possibly reach, but not hurting a thing. Just, sitting. Waiting.

It's absolutely wonderful. I can't believe this beauty. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced.

Thank you Father for this!

Now please let me go back to my California sun. Where I can tan in december and where shorts and a tank top all year long.

In Him,
Maddie

Washington vs. California

Dear World,

Washington has become my absolute favorite place to be. But through being here, I've learned the significance of the phrase too much of a good thing, can be a bad thing.

I've only been here twice since my fantastic summer. My first time was about 3 weeks ago for the SAMBICA thing called Refuge. This time, I've been here for about 11 days, housesitting for our cousins who were in Hawaii. On this trip, I tried to keep it pretty family centered. If I had really tried to see a lot of people, then I probably would have been gone every day. But while being here I only spent, Tuesday night with my friend Jessica, Saturday with Kasey and Pluto,  a party at my aunt and uncle's house on Sunday with some ELITE friends, and then the Bible Study Mondey night at SAMBICA camp with Liz aka Happy Feet. I love being here soo much, but also, I love my other home, back in Cali as well. I can't help but deeply miss my friends there...

Two of my closest friends from home, Codi and Courtney, have been the ones on my mind the most. I miss them a lot. I see Codi about 2 times a week and Courtney only once, but I can't ask for more, because I'm home-schooled. One of my most desperately prayed prayers from the summer were answered over the past couple weeks. I started finding friends who were not un-like the ones from camp. Extremely set upon their faith. Working everyday to do things for God. and Mind you, these are teenagers. Codi, Courtney, and my new close friend, Tyler. It's a small group. Incomparable to the two dozen people from the summer. But our friendships are in little, to no danger of being broken apart. That's why I love these specific people so much. Hopefully, my group of special, close friends, will grow. Not to a drastic size. But a trusting group of friends. Ones at my California home that I can truly trust with anything.

I think the reason I don't just have 1 best friend (not that I have maannnyyy best friends) if because I opporate in groups. Maybe not collectively, together, groups. But groups none the less. I put my trust in specific people's hands. Not just one. If one person flakes out, or disappoints me, I have others behind me. I've seen it many times with other close friends. Their "best friend" treats them like crap, and they don't have anyone to fall back on. (that's how I've gotten close to a couple of my friends) Other friends have done it to me. And the only reason I don't shut down is because I have other close friends who hold me up.

I'm so greatful that the Lord is answering my prayer for "SAMBICA like" friends at home. It's making me start to really miss my home when I leave.

but...

Don't take that to mean that I've gotten over Washington. Dear me, no. That's not what it means at all. I still love Washington greeaatly. And my wish for trips back up here has not faltered. :)

In Him,
Maddie

My Name

Dear World,

Most people don't know it, but my name is Madison Rose Chaney. I have always introduced myself as Maddie Rose. Rarely people learn of my full name, and when they do, I'm hounded with questions as to why I don't introduce myself with that name. After all, it is very pretty. I know it is. Madison Rose is a very pretty name. My friend's mom has always called me that, and she is the only person that i allow to call me that. It was my great grandmother's name. But I always feel as though it's extremely common. I know sooo many Madisons, and have met EVEN MORE. I don't sign, write, or put my name down on applications as my full name because I don't want people calling my by it.

I don't hate my name. But it's my choice to go by Maddie Rose. Deal with it.

In Him,
Maddie

Best Friends

Dear World,

I have a numerous amount of friends. More than i care to count. Go to my facebook and look at my friends list, then double that. I have a lot of friends. I would estimate that if i divided the number of facebook friends that i have by 3, then that would give you approximately the number if friends i hang out with. Divide that number by two and that would give you the number of people i actually genuinely care about and try to keep up with. divide that by about 5 and that will give you about the number of people who genuinely care about me.

So, facebook friends rounded=300
Friends i hang out with=100
People i care about=50
People who care about me=10

Out of these hundreds of people, I do find myself more closer to some rather than others, but I, however, do not have a "best friend." I do believe that i will, someday, have a best friend, but i don't right now. My friend Courtney Harrison is about as close as a best friend, but not really. There are a few people from SAMBICA that I would love to call my best friend, but it makes it hard when we live on opposite sides of the country. I love, love, love my friends. But, I just don't feel like i have a best friend.

Today I found a friend,
Who knew everything I felt.
She knew my every weakness,
And the problems I've been dealt.  

She understood my wonders,

And listened to my dreams. 

She listened to how I felt about life and love,

And knew what it all means.

Not once did she interrupt me,
Or tell me I was wrong.
She understood what I was going through,
And promised she'd stay long

I reached out to this friend
To show her that i care
To pull her close and let her know
How much I need her there

I don't have a friend like this. I'm not sad about it. I look forward to the day that there is that one person who i know is going to always and forever be there for me, and be at my house in about ten seconds if i need her. But I don't have that person right now, and to be honest, i wish i did. Because I could really use them. But I'm ok about it. I know the Lord is holding out on me for someone awesome. He brings people in and out of my life, but I know there's that one person that He's waiting for me to meet that I'll be closer to than fingers and a keyboard. ;)

In Him,

Maddie

Too Much

Dear World,

I’ve been having one of the worst days of my life. I slept in, and I’ve been absolutely exhausted all day because crying really makes you tired. There’s a sinking, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that has to do with worry, sadness, and complete incapability to operate properly. I keep bursting into tears at random times. It's overwhelming. Tonight I have to go and deal with a ton of uncooperative band members, and try and make them realize that WE ARE WORKING OUR FLIPPIN BUTTS OFF AND THEIR NOT DOING A DAMN THING! If I could just collapse on my bed and become a shell to existence, I would have no objections what so ever. Can someone please just hug me and not ask questions as to why I can barely breath from constant sobbing? One good thing from today, my soul sister is at book study tonight, and she doesn’t need to understand. I can just cry and she wouldn’t say anything till I told her I was ready to find an answer.

I hate being a teenager...

Maddie

Finally Home

Dear World,

This weekend I've taken a trip to Washington to visit some elites and go to REFUGE on Sunday. (an elite worship and hang time in the evening)

So here's what's happening this weekend. I got picked up from the airport by Brooke McPherson, aka, awesomest driver IN THE WORLD! Never fails to get us from point A to point B as easily as if she had the way mapped out in her head before hand. I'm chilling with my family, then going to lunch with the one, the only, PLUTO! Out of everything that's going on this weekend, I'm mostly excited to see her! Sunday morning I'm going to church with Jessica, then spending the whole rest of the day with Natalie Anderson, which will consist of a fashion show, deep conversations about life and what it means to live, and, of course, slug hunting in the backyard. Then, Natalie and I are going to REFUGE that evening where I'm going to see MOST of the ELITE's from the summer... All the ones that matter. ;D

I'm so excited for everything. I'm also really glad that I'm not feeling like I can only be close to God when I'm up here. It's not the case. At ALL! But I must say, I feel very much at home and comfy here. I can't express my love for this state and environment. I love it so much. I can't wait to be back up here again next month for thanksgiving. Me and the family are here for a whole week then!! :D

In Him,
Maddie

Completely Melting Under Stress

Dear World,

I am so stressed out right now. I don't know what to do, there's so much going on, my head is spinning and i want to drop everyone and everything and lie in my room, on my back staring at the ceiling. There are a lot of things going on that i have to deal with and a lot of people who are there for me. It's not stressing me out that they're there for me. Not at all, I'm so happy that they are adament about helping. But it's many people. A good 12. I love them all so much and i don't want to hold out on them, so i have to constantly be re-living things to people. It's good for me to hear things from different people's point of view, but sometimes, one person is enough.

School is completely flipping me out. I'm doing very poorly and it is really depressing me. I've always been a good A student, and failing assignment after assignment is REALLY stressing me out. I don't understand half of what i'm doing and am having a mental, over-load, brake down every other week. I'm pushing through, and getting most of what i have to do, done, but only by scraping C's and D's. It's extremely frustrating and all the emotional stress is NOT helping with things out-side of school.

I feel like God is completely apart of another life. My night time life when I'm reading my Bible. Not when I'm about to rip my hair out because of school, a dis-functional band, and family problems. I don't feel like I'm faking the whole religion. Not at all. I had never actually read the Bible before this summer, and now I read it every other day. But I'm having trouble asking God to take control of my day and guide it in His way. I feel so much closer to God than I ever have before in my life.... but it's not enough. I want to be closer. I want to feel Him next to me every minute of every day. Not just those nights when I pull out my Bible. Though, granted, it might be more when I'm focused completely on Him. But I want more than what I have right now.

I'm so stressed right now, it's not even expressable. Blogging is a good outlet for me. To be able to get it all out. Anyway, goodnight!

In Him,
Maddie

My name is Maddie

Dear World,

Hi, my name is Maddie.  I love Jesus and the stripes on racoons. I think glassy rocks or cool and I'm scared of fish and Disneyland rides. I like to go to the grocerie store and spin around and around in the fruit section and watch the colors go wizzing bye. I think lensless glasses are amazing and if you want to be my favorite person in the whole wide world, send me a letter. 

I'm usually very seriuos, but when in the company of friends and my sambica awesome people, I'm very silly and weird. I like making people laugh, even though I'm not that funny. I'm terrible at keeping a straight face in a staring contest, but I'll kill you in a laughing contest.

I'll die for my family, under any circumstances. I don't get along well with my sisters, even though i love them very much. At the end of the day, we each have each other. I love my older sister, Kayla, to the end of the world. She's the greatest roll model in the world. My little sister Sydni is pretty cool too. I enjoy watching her grow up, and I'm excited to see what she'll end up being in life. My Mommy is incredible and can do anything. God adds hours to the day for her. She's amazing. I love her!

My friends are everything to me. I want to fill as much of my time and life with being with them. If one of my friends are hurting, I drop everything for them. If there is a person in particular who purposefully hurt them, then I will do everything i can to make their life hell. I love to give advice and be a witness for Jesus and help my friends in their own Christian lives, but I can't deal well with my own personal conflicts and problems. But that's where my friends come in. They are the best. They help me so much by showing me what's going on in their lives and what they did about it.


My mentors mean most to me. (apart from family) After all, they're the ones who have helped and are helping me most in everything i'm dealing with. Of course, I turn to them first. None of them actually know each other. Over the course of the past 3 years, I've acquired about 5 mentors. 7 years if you're counting one in particularly who's been with me since I was 8. All of them help in things only the one ever could. I love them the most.


I'm obsessed with bubblegum and have at least 3 packs in my room at a time. You can never find me without it. My life revolves around music. I've been playing the piano for 9 years and the guitar for 2 days. I'm playing guitar and singing on the youth worship team. I write, play, sing, and arrange music. It's my favorite thing.


I can't say enough that I love Jesus! I'm not concerned with all the little nick-nacky things of the religion, I only live my life for Jesus and love unconditionally and act as a witness for Him. I'd rather be talking about God and our Christian lives with a friend, or anyone, than anything else. Nothing makes me more happy than to think that there is one person who will always love me no matter what I do... Jesus!


I'm truly terrified of one thing and it's the un-knowing of what is coming and what is going to happen. The panicked state your in when you're fearful for yourself, family, friends.. the unknown. I'm terrified of that feeling. Second to that is the thought of living forever when I go to Heaven. I'm truly terrified of living forever and ever, but I love God, and I trust Him, so, doesn't that mean that He'll take care of me and I have nothing to fear? Doesn't matter, I'm still terrified.


That's me. Who're you?


In Him,
Maddie

Friends

Dear World,

My wonderful, wonderful, friend Delaney Aydel gave me an idea on what i should write on my next blog post. She only just gave me this idea about 5 minutes ago and i would like to write my post before i forget what I've thought about. (Forgive me if this seems kinda scattered. I'm on the phone with Delaney at the moment, listening to her rant about her frustration on downloading programs. Quite funny, but slightly distracting.)

Friends. Well, there are different classifications about friends. There are, of course, friends. Then there are best friends, ok friends, good friends, really good friends, the i'll trust this friend with my life friend, the i love you friend but is only just a friend and is basically like a brother/sister friend, and, of course, the i love you friend but i'm too shy to tell you that i really love you so I'll just pretend that i don't friend.

I'm not going to talk about different types of friends. I was just pointing something out. lol. You know how you are supposed to have God in your relationship with your husband? It's just as equally imoportant for you to have god in your friends. But you can't pick and choose your friends based on if they're Christian or not to find god in the friendship. Well, you can pick or choose your friends based on if they're Christian, but only a few show God through it. Let me give you a couple examples.

Take Delaney for instance. Out of the 5 weeks I was at SAMBICA I only saw her for 2 and yet i got the closest to her. Why? Because throughout the 2 weeks we were together we constantly were showing Jesus to each other through ourselves. We were the teen models of what it's like to follow Jesus and we were always there for each other and God was constantly revealing God to each other through ourselves. Last day, she was the first one by my side when I completely broke down in pain and misery. She didn't have to understand, she didn't know the half of it, but she knew that what was wrong was serious and she didn't ask questions. Just, held me and let me cry on her shoulder. Since then, I've talked to her most out of the people at SAMBICA and we keep learning more and more about each other and God keeps showing himself to us through each other.

Another example. Sarai Dominguez. Delaney jokes with me often that I menchen her in almost every post. Maybe some of you (maybe family and church people) know her as Pluto in my blog. She was a mentor from camp. There's something different between a mentor and a councilor. A councilor... well, you really only see them for a week. Well, not even. More like 6 days. But when you're with them you're always going from activity to activity and everything is crazy crazy crazy, fun all the time. But a mentor, you're with them for 3 weeks. Sometimes, 24/7, based on the program. You're basically with them all the time. Either working or hanging out. 3 weeks is a long time. You tend to see the worst, best, and most broken state you could be in in the other ELITEs. Pluto saw, THE WORST of me, the beeest of me, and the most broken state I've ever been in. I talked to Pluto almost every day. After I was crying on Delaney's shoulder on the last day, I was crying on Pluto's. For some reason me and Pluto got really close. I remember random things from the many talks we had. Like that she knew my kids were gonna grow up to be preachers, and that she predicts I'm going to be an ELITE mentor, and that she's gonna stalk and call me everyday to remind me to read my bible. She's not a stalker, that's for sure. The one thing that makes me love Pluto so much is I've never been able to fool her with walls or disguises or anything else I use to try and block people out from knowing the real me. She saw through that immediately. Which is what I love about her. It's what made her advice to me always so helpful. And what made God work in our relationship. Her strange gift of X-Ray vision is what has made us so close.

When God shows through in how he works in a relationship with a friend, you know it's special. You may both be Christian, but that doesn't mean you work well together as friends. Your friends shape who you are and you need to hold those select few as close as possible. Because they will have the biggest impact on your life. And if you don't have those select few yet, you will. If you open up to it and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Also....notice how my description of Pluto and I's relationship was 3x as long as Delaney's and I's? haha. I don't love Pluto more, just had more to say about her. I love the crap outta Delaney though. haha

In Him,
Maddie

The Christian Life

Dear World,

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Sorry! I really like blogging, but I've been very busy with school. I started about 3 weeks ago, which, i guess is when I last posted on here.

You know what I feel is funny in the light of Christianity? Religion. You know, Christianity isn't a religion. It's a way of life. Once you choose to take this path, it changes your life forever. You are held accountable and nothing is ever the same.You can't just get away with your usual crap. You don't just feel guilty. You feel sorry. You want to change. Life isn't the same when you're a Christian. God will catch up to you eventually. It can't just be in the category of religion. It has to be something bigger. It's like, Life or The Christian Life. It's one of the two.

Glad I chose the right path.

In Him,
Maddie

Jessica

Dear World,

Today, I thought I should write about a person individually, rather than a broad topic. I was scrolling through the people who have meant something to me in my life. There are many. Mostly SAMBICA mentors. But I've talked about them many times. Then I thought of Julia and Sally.. Eh, they are amazing, but they still aren't the right ones. Who is it I'm trying to think of. Then I remembered. La dur. Jessica Nguyen. Who has meant more and changed more of my life than her? Uum... no one.

I met Jessica at SAMBICA 2 years ago. I think I was 12. I was just a camper. I didn't come back the next summer, but I kept in contact with Jessica. She lives in Washington so I rarely see her except for Thanksgiving when I go back up there to see my family. There's been a lot of ups and downs in our relationship but we are very close. I've wronged her many times, but she never ceases to forgive me. She came to visit me in January for MLK weekend. It was just sorta a chill weekend, but it was awesome to get to see her in a different environment. I've really only ever seen her in her car... Driving me around. I was speaking with her on the phone the other day (one of the rare times) and was thinking about how different we are. She is insanely analytical, and I'm insanely not. I'm an artsy person. Though I do over think things, I tend to just let them go if they get too complicated for me. Often times when I talked to Jessica I would get so confused because she just goes off on sooo many different thoughts. But she's so loving and caring that I don't think I could get rid of her if I tried. And oddly enough, I've tried... and failed... several times. But she also reminded me, on the phone, that we are also very much alike. I kinda fail in seeing those ways in an obvious point of view. Though I do know we are extremely alike.
Jessica... Well, she's an extremely beautiful woman. And I'm not just talking about her physical appearance, even though she's drop dead gorgeous. She has such a beautiful heart. She trusts God with her life, and gives everything up to Him. I'm amazed by her, because she is so incredible. Even though she isn't perfect, which she tells me often.

I love Jessica like a sister. There's nothing I wouldn't tell her. I'd trust her with anything. I hope she trusts me. Even if not, I love her very much. And she means a lot to me.

I love you Jessica! Thank you for eeeverything!

In Him,
Maddie

To wrap up the summer...

Dear World,

Today was my first day of school. But I'm going to write this post as if it were yesterday. ok? ok.

Today is the last day of summer. I'm closing a lot today. A lot happened this summer. Yesterday, Saturday, I wanted to do something special to close off my summer. But I really wasn't sure. So I decided to just play it by ear. I went to church this morning and it was pretty good. But the thing that made it one of the best days of my life was when this older gentlemen, His name is Gary, came up to me and told me that he had a message from God! A message from God? What? That doesn't happen to people like me! That happens to people like l4d from camp! And Pluto. The women who's lives are completely and 100% devoted to God! Who have been through so much, and have come out on top with Jesus on their side! The women who mentored and are mentoring me through one of the toughest times of my life! This happens to women like them! Who are mature in their faith, and understand it better than me! Well, this time, I guess not. It's me. Maddie Rose Chaney. 15 years old, and taking my faith seriously for a total of 7 weeks. So, Gary leaned close to me and said into my ear so only I could hear and talked to me as if He were God himself delivering the message, "I know your feelings seem overlooked with everything that's going on, but they are not to me. I love more than you could ever know." WOAH!

I don't think I can elaborate much more about how extraordinary this was. But let me move on. After I left the main sanctuary, I went over to the youth room to hang with my buds. But something was pulling at my heart strings. What was it? I thought deeper, then knew. The wife of the pastor at our church! Her name is Mary, and she is one of the most extraordinary people I've ever met. But she wasn't singing today. She was sad. There was a lot going on in her life right now. But why? Why are you putting her on my heart God? Surely there isn't anything that I could do. Is there? Yes! Be myself! Give her a hug. Maybe, try to make her smile. Let her know that she is loved. It isn't much. It won't change how God is working in her life, or how much it might hurt her, but I've always felt that it was the little things like that that help people the most. I know they are for me. When someone walks by me and grabs my shoulder turns there head around for a moment and smiles at me always makes me the most happy. Small gestures like that. So i did, I sought her out, and found her in about 20 seconds. (she was standing in the hallway)I talked to her for a minute, I kinda failed in letting her know that she was loved, but I did act like myself and everything.

All in all, this is the absolute best way I could have ever asked to end my summer. I'm going to miss it, but I'm going to go into the year that's ahead with what happened this summer as a reference. I'll never forget it and how the Lord has worked in my life and brought incredible people like l4d and Pluto into my life. But I'm also not going to look back, miserable because I can't live in what happened this summer for the rest of my life. I don't necessarily have to be excited about what's coming, but God has used SAMBICA and l4d and Pluto and the mentors and the amazing ELITEs like Lizzy Rolf and Delaney Adel and Spencer Turner to prepare me for what's coming. I can make it through anything.

God is with me. He's right there. He wants me, and I want Him! I have several people that I've met this summer that I know are more than willing to talk to me about absolutely anything. If I need to scream and yell and vent, they'll listen, and if I need to cry and ball and brake down, they'll comfort, and if I'm lost and don't know what to do, they'll point me to Jesus and remind me that He is the only way and show me how much I've made it through already. I love them all. Words can't describe how much you all have helped me and how much you all mean to me. You truly have no idea how much God has used you all in my life. You are forever apart of it.

Thank you God for everything you've given me, and the chance you gave me to go to SAMBICA this summer. Thank you for the people you've brought into my life, like the ones I've said here, thank you for revealing yourself to me this summer and really telling me how much you love me and how you will be there to take care of me. I will be OBSESSED with you Lord. You have shown me what it's like to lean on you, and now I will fall on you. I love you God!! Thank you so much for this summer!

In Him,
Maddie

Fear

Dear World,

I often struggle in figuring out what I'm scared of. Like, legitimately scared of happening. Not someone jumping out of a dark corner screaming. I know I'm scared of, like, someone in my family dying, but seriously, who isn't scared of that. I try, and try, to find a weakness. One small flaw in my seemingly strong wall that blocks out all fear. And, I think I've found it.

I think I'm scared of being scared. You know, that feeling where you're heart starts pounding really fast, your face gets hot, you're worried about what will happen because you have no idea. I hate that feeling. It is, what I'm scared of. Well, maybe not scared of. More like, I'm waiting, apprehensively, for it to come. Because I know there are moments in our lives where that happens. I know, I've had them. And, I don't know under what circumstances that that feeling will come. Which makes me even more scared...

oh, and I'm scared of red ants.

In Him,
Maddie

Different People

Dear World,

Today, I want to talk about... different people. What's the difference between different and normal? Is there even normal anymore? When comparing one person to the other, yes were different in personality, looks, maturity, style, likes, dislikes... things like that. When you get into an argument with someone, sometimes, no one could necessarily even be at fault, because the situation was been viewed by two, completely different points of view. It's impossible to say, I understand you, because we DON'T! We are all SO different that even if we tried, there is no way on earth we could understand each other. Even when people are struggling with things. You can't even understand their struggles, because there could be so many different things relating to it that you wouldn't know exactly what is effecting them or how much of an impact it's having on their life. How much it's hurting them, changing them (and maybe not always for the better). There's no way of knowing.

Why do we judge people who are different in their weirdness? My friend, Jackie Leonard, is the WEIRDEST person you have ever met in your LIFE! and she's an adult! which makes here even "weirder". If you don't love her weirdness than you wouldn't have been able to find out that she is one of the most compassionate, loving people you've ever met. And she is hugely accepting. And you know what the awesome thing is? She does not CARE if people like her or not! Why do we have to be so judge mental of the way that people are. I mean, if someone had thought that Jackie was crazy, and off the bat, didn't want to get to know her just by a first impression, they could have never found out how much of an amazing person she is!

We're all a little weird, some more than others. We should feel comfortable with it, AND be comfortable with other people's weirdness. It's who they ARE, and they ARE that way for a reason. I love looking at one of my friends and then comparing them to another and looking at just how DIFFERENT they are! It's crazy! But I still love them both because they are both individual!! If they were the same, then where would the fun in that be? If everyone was the same, life would be boring. And I know that people say that a lot. "if the world was filled with a bunch of copy cats, then it would be soooo boring." But seriously. Pick one person you know, and imagine EVERYONE IN THE WORLD INCLUDING YOURSELF being EXACTLY like that one friend!

Thank GOD were different! Oh my goodness, how grateful I am that we are all not alike! Ah, I think I would go crazy if I had a million of just ONE of my friends!

...goodness.

In Him,
Maddie

Good People

Dear World,
I am so thankful for people in my life who keep in reminding me of God's love for me. It's a very important thing to have as a part in your life. Good, Christian friends who are willing to smack you when you're not making the right decisions. I'm glad for those people.
In my life, those people are-
Linda Romero
Sarai Dominguez
Dawn Bailey
Jessica Nguyen
Delaney Adel
Chelsea Lidstrom
Krista Guenther
Lizzy Rolf
Spencer Turner
Courtney Harrison
Melissa Ramont

We all need good Christian friends. They'll keep you in line ;P I love mine. Each and every one of them. All are loved a lot, but all in a different way for the different things they have each done for me. I Love you Guys!

In Him,
Maddie

Lost

Dear World,

I am Lost. I'm spinning in circles, confused by these many different situations, feelings, emotions, circumstances, and trials. I feel as though I'm in a dark room, with words and flashes of past events jumping at me out of the darkness. I'm lost in my thinking and feeling. What I think is not relevant. There is too much. Too much around. Too much to do. To deal with. I'm spinning and spinning... what is all this. I can't even tell anymore. Was that love or judge? Wait or hate? I don't even know anymore. What do I do? Am I supposed to ask that? Where do I go? I'm so confused. There's no one here! HELP!

What is that? I don't know. I'm to confused to tell. Who is that? It's so dark here, but that person is bright. Their shinning. The room is spinning. I can't focus on them. What are they doing? Their picking me up off the ground? What? Their hugging me? Their so warm. I don't remember... why... I was, scared. Was I scared? no. confused? I think. I don't know. I don't want to remember. I just want to stay here. With this person. I feel safe. What did they say? I'm... not sure. Wait, they said it again. "I'll always be here. I always was. But you called out to me, and now you are aware of my presence." I... don't know. How do I respond? Do I respond? Do I just stand here, and let this man keep hugging me? I don't want to let go. "You don't have to let go. I'll always be here." You'll never leave me? Why weren't you here before? "I was here! I always was here! You just didn't know it. And now you do. Which is what makes all the difference..."

"I love you!"

In Him,
Maddie